Happy Birthday, Lukey!!
Oh son, you'd be five years old today. Five years old! That's a milestone...when your child goes from being a toddler to being a kid. And it hurts my heart that we aren't together to see that.
It's been so interesting to write these letters since you've been gone. I always go back and read the last one I wrote, and it is so incredible to me to see what has changed inside of me. Even on the other side of the veil, you are still teaching me so much! Last year I was feeling so much better about how things are. That first year I was beyond angry. Last year I felt like I had gotten past that anger. This year, I feel more connected to my Heavenly Father (most of the time) than I have in a long time. I've realized again that I have to really work for that relationship, but more than that I keep realizing how much I WANT to work for that relationship. Thank you for helping me feel that need.
It has been hard knowing your fifth birthday was coming up. It was hard when kindergarten registration came around. It has been hard watching your cousins get ready to go to kindergarten. I have a sense that you would have been so excited. And just like with Claire, Sophie, and Johnny I would be excited for you too! And a little heartbroken to send you out into the world. Like your Dad says, we can be so grateful that you are spared the hard things this world gives each of us. And I am grateful for that! But I would have loved to watch you spread your wings...
Thank you for those moments when you've come to me. I don't know that they are less frequent than they used to be or not. I feel like they are, but I also feel like I haven't missed you more. I know that doesn't make sense...but I've come to terms with the fact that so much of missing you won't ever make sense to my mortal mind. Once again, this year on Mother's Day you were there. And once again, it was when I wasn't expecting or anticipating it. I was in Relief Society, and the Elders were doing the lesson. This one Elder was incredible. He taught with confidence...and with power. The Spirit shone from within him in a way I have never seen in a missionary before. For a moment my mind was opened to the understanding of what you're doing in the Spirit World. That you are teaching with that same power and that same light. I felt you say "Happy Mother's Day, Mom! Thank you, I love you, and I miss you. But I'm doing a great work and I'm happy!" It was so brief, and the tears were hot as they fell down my cheeks. I noticed that heat before I realized I was crying. Like I said in your letter last year, I have had spiritual experiences that I can't deny. I know that my spirit senses things differently than my body does, and I've had hints of that sense...a new sense, but a sense I know better than my bodily senses. I can't deny that I know you still live in spirit, and I can't deny that I know we still interact. I am so deeply and inexpressibly grateful for that.
Joey turned one last month, and it was so hard for all of us! We didn't want to say goodbye to our baby. It took Johnny breaking down in tears before I realized that we weren't so much mourning Joey's babyhood as much as we were reliving saying goodbye to you. Luke, we all miss you so much! Every day we each pray for you on your mission. I hope you feel the impact of those loving prayers. Johnny misses you so terribly sometimes. I hope he will learn as I have to sense when you are there. And your Dad misses you so, so much. We know now what Elder Bowen meant when he said that while we would have happiness this life, we will never have a fullness of joy until we are together again.
I have nothing to give you for your birthday but my love and my continued prayers...and this letter. Yet you still give so much to me and to our family. You have made the Plan of Salvation real to us. You have made the resurrection a real event that we are waiting anxiously for. When Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ feel abstract because of the limitations of our mortality, you are still real to us and that gives us the motivation to keep trying. To keep fighting. To keep repenting and trying and trying and trying again.
As I think of closing this letter, I feel a lot like a did the first year I wrote your birthday letter. I'm feeling very connected to you and so I'm almost frantic to keep writing so I don't lose the connection. Oh my sweet boy, I love you so much. I miss you so much. I am so intensely proud of you! In this moment, I wish with all that I am that you were still here. I feel that hole in my heart that cannot be filled and the pain is exquisite. My prayer is that you will feel how much I love you and long for you, and that somehow you still need to know that. That you still need to know your mother loves you.
Happy Birthday, Luke! You changed everything the day you were born to me, and I will always be so humbled and so grateful that I get to be your mother. I love you, Son! I love you so much!
Love,
Mom
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