Lukey's Anniversary

It's now been three years since we sent Luke on to bigger and better things. Three whole years. So much time, yet no time at all..

The day before Luke's day, I received a surprise delivery. Someone had sent us flowers! I was so touched that some loving soul thought of us. As I opened the card to see who it was that had sent them, I had to read it twice before I understood...

"To Dad, Mom, Claire, Sophie, Johnny, and Joey. I miss you guys, too! One year closer! Love, Lukey (aka Mr. Smiles)

I found myself bawling. I knew it wasn't Luke, obviously. But despite that, it awoke that part of my heart that is always longing to hear from my boy. I sent a picture to Danny via chat, and he had the same reaction. I had been feeling so good about Luke's anniversary coming up, but this just crumpled me. As I sat at the computer crying, I suddenly had the desire to finish the blog post about the day Luke died. On the first anniversary, I was able to complete about 80% of that post. But I hadn't touched it since. It just takes so much out of me to relive those moments. But sitting there, I knew I had to do it then. Joey was asleep and the kids weren't going to be home from school for another couple of hours. So I did it! I sobbed myself dry, but I finished it. I didn't realize how much I needed to do that. It was cathartic in all the right ways, and left me with a feeling of having done something important. Something that was important to Luke and important for my family. And with that agonizing post complete, I have felt a renewed desire to finish Luke's life history. There aren't many times that the pain is that fresh. And it's still the most painful thing I have experienced, missing Luke so deeply. But when I'm on the other side of that ugly, soul-wrending experience, I always feel lighter and more peaceful. 

I was pretty sure I knew who sent the flowers, and I confirmed it later. A phrase we have used in my family since Rachel died is "one year closer". I knew it was my Mom, and I eventually got her to admit it. I'm so grateful that she is aware of the longing our family has for Luke. I wish with all my heart she didn't know the longing herself. But I'm so grateful to not walk this path alone. I'm so grateful for my Mom. 

Ok, so the day before was rough. For both Danny and I. But when the day of the 7th came, I woke up with the same feeling of peace and joy that I did the year before. Honestly, my heart was drawn out in rejoicing and gratitude to my Heavenly Father. And this time, I didn't fight that feeling. I embraced it, and was grateful that the burden of grief felt so light that day. So light that I hardly felt it.

Since Luke's last anniversary, the Lord has been so kind in teaching me so many things. I have had so many incredibly spiritual experiences, and have been taught so much. I have been blessed with an understanding of Luke's place in our family, and the role that Luke's loss plays in my eternal progression. The experience I had in Nauvoo is one of those. I had often wondered how it would be that Luke could share in our memories and experiences in mortality if he wasn't here. I had been told that he would, and that I wouldn't have felt as though I lacked anything for him not being here with us. But I didn't understand how that could possibly work. However, that time in Nauvoo gave me a glimpse as to what it could be like when we are reunited with Luke. It was a profound experience. And even though now, months later, I can't fully recall every bit of that experience, I cannot deny that it was sacred. It was real, and it was from a loving Father in Heaven...and specifically for me. 

Another experience I had during the year was while I was reading the Relief Society lesson for the coming week. Now, don't get any ideas that I am nearly that dutiful! I try to read them, but most of the time I don't get to it. But this week I did, and I'm so grateful that I did! The lesson was going to be centered around Elder Yoon Hwan Choi's talk in the April 2017 General Conference titled "Don't Look Around, Look Up!". Now, I have to backtrack just a bit. During the Primary Program last year, I had an experience where as I was watching Claire, Sophie, and Johnny sing one of their songs the Spirit bore witness to me that all of our children were going to stay true to the gospel. I felt like I could see each of them endowed and sealed in the temple, and living their lives righteously. Now, I know that I can in no way sit back on my laurels and consider my ridiculously meager parenting efforts as a success. But I felt that the Lord was letting me know that we were doing the right things. 

For whatever reason, the memory of this experience during the Primary Program came to my mind as I read Elder Choi's talk. He related the story of when he and his wife were mission presidents serving in Seattle. They received a phone call from their son (a pianist) saying that he had won an international competition and would have the privilege of performing at Carnegie Hall. They were so happy for him! But even in her prayers of gratitude that night, Sister Choi couldn't help but feel a certain sadness that because of their call she would not be able to be with her son during this amazing moment in his life. In her prayer, she told her Heavenly Father that she didn't mean to complain, but that she did feel a bit sorry. If this amazing blessing had come to her son a little before their call, or after, she could have been there. Immediately after the prayer, she heard a clear voice say, "Because you cannot go, your son has been given this privilege. Would you rather trade?" She was immediately aware of the role their faithful service in the Lord's kingdom played in the blessings their children received. She responded to the Lord, "No, no, it is okay for me not to go. Let him have that honor."

As I finished reading that story, I was overcome with the certain knowledge of what Luke's life and mission meant for our family. I heard the Lord say to me, "I know you miss your son. I know you wish he could have stayed. But it is because of his mission in this life and the next that your family will be rooted in righteousness. The way your family has responded to the trial of losing Luke so young will be what anchors your other children in the gospel. It will be why they will never stray. Would you rather trade that for more time with Luke in mortality?" I, like Sister Choi, felt my entire being respond, "NO! No, let Luke be where he is. I wouldn't trade the foundation Claire, Sophie, Johnny, and Joey have for more time with Luke." I knew in that moment, and have known every moment since...even the painful moments full of anguish and longing...that things are exactly as they should be, and that I wouldn't change it for anything. And the gratitude I feel for Luke and for a loving and patient Father in Heaven grew exponentially.

It was that same gratitude that filled my heart that morning, and throughout the day. I know that my Heavenly Father knows me and loves me. I know that He is aware of our family, and our desire to do what is right. I know that he knows and loves Luke, and that Luke being a part of our family was no coincidence. I know these things in a way I could never deny. And this year, Luke's anniversary wasn't about the day we lost him. It was about how the events that culminated in that single day, and all the moments since, have united our family for eternity.

We love you Luke, and we miss you every single day! Thank you for looking out for us, teaching us, and for being near when we need you. One year closer!!