Week 25

It's a few days late, but I'm getting this week posted!  I swear, my life just isn't what it was like when I was pregnant with Johnny.  It was so much easier to keep the posts updated and on time.  Life really has just gotten busier.  And I'm sure I haven't seen the end of that! 

This week has been a good one.  I'm getting more tired, though I can't tell if that's the pregnancy, life, or because I'm not eating as well.  Probably a combination of all three!  My sugar cravings, especially for chocolate, were absolutely insane this week.  I've never really craved chocolate before, and it's rather mind-consuming!  I didn't do so well at keeping from indulging said cravings last week, but I'm determined to do better this week.  And for whatever reason, last week was really busy, and I only got one walk in all week.  So that's going to have to change this week, too.  

I'm sure Luke is doing just great.  I can tell he's getting bigger and stronger, as his movements are more and more pronounced.  I can't wait for my next appointment and ultrasound, where I"ll get a good look at my little guy again!  But I still have a couple of weeks until that appointment.

What was most on my mind this week is my impending delivery, and the form it will take.  My little sister Jenny delivered her baby this last week.  Ava Lynn was born on February 8, and was 7 lbs 10 oz of pure cuteness.  But the coolest part of the story is that Jenny was able to have a successful VBAC after two previous c-sections!  To say I was happy for her is an understatement.  I know just how much better it is to have that baby without surgery!  But I'll be honest.  As soon as I heard that she was successful and the baby was here safe and sound, I put down the phone, sat on the couch, and starting bawling.  And no, it wasn't tears of relief and happiness for my sister.  My heart was broken for me...

As I've been writing these pregnancy posts for Luke, I can't help but think how different it was with Johnny.  I was so excited to deliver him at home, and I was positive we were going to be successful.  I spent every day for months studying, visualizing, and getting prepped emotionally and physically for labor and delivery.  I remember being somewhat sad when we decided, after 24 hours of intense labor at home, to transfer to the hospital and undergo a section.  But at the time, I mostly just wanted to get my son here.  And I felt peaceful about our decision at that time.  I still know it was the right thing to do for Johnny and I, and that I really did everything that I could.  It just wasn't meant to be.

But it seems like I grieve for what could have been mine, and what will never be mine, every time someone I know and care about has their baby just the way I wanted so desperately to have mine.  I've searched my heart and mind, and approached the Lord again, to make sure that I shouldn't try to have a VBAC with Luke.  I feel very sure that we're doing the right thing with our planned section.  My consolation is that my awesome doctor is willing to wait for labor to start on it's own before we deliver, instead of scheduling a section before my due date.  I really am grateful that he's on board with that, as that's very important to me.  But I wish I could do more for both Luke and I.

I'm sad that Danny won't get the awesome experience that Matt had to see his wife give birth to a child...his child.  Instead, he'll be in another cold and sterile OR, surrounded by strangers, with a cut open and panicky wife.  The moment when the veil is so thin, and the emotions so strong, will be clouded in the hub-bub of surgery.  I know that Danny has treasured each moment that each of our children has been born, but I still feel like we're missing out on something.  Sigh.

But, as my sweet husband reminds me, it's really not fair to compare apples and oranges.  Ava was small compared to Johnny's girth of 11 pounds.  Jenny had the opportunity to deliver in a hospital, where she could receive fluids and pain medication when she got too tired, which may have changed the course of my labor with John had those services been available for me.  But really, I need to remember how blessed we are.  Sure, my deliveries aren't ideal.  But we get pregnant almost easier than we would like sometimes, and that's an incredible blessing!  I personally know women that would gladly have a c-section a hundred times over to so easily conceive a child of their own.  My pregnancies are uncomplicated, and my children are born big and incredibly beautiful.  And each of them is such a strong and special spirit, who I am simply humbled to have the opportunity to raise.

I'm not sure how I'm going to do it, but I need to find a different way to invest in this pregnancy with Luke.  So that when we do have to enter that OR, I'm thinking about meeting my son and not about missing out on an experience that I want so badly.  Maybe it's time to re-read Birthing From Within.  And I need to spend more time counting my blessings.

At any rate, that was my Week 25.  I'm only days away from 26 weeks, and it amazes me how close I'm getting to the third and final trimester!  Maybe, just maybe, I'll get a post for next week written on time.  We shall see. :)