To My Claire, On Your Birthday...

Happy Birthday, Claire Bear!  I cannot not, for a single second, believe that you're seven today.  Surely, it has not been that long since I held you in my arms for the first time.  But apparently it has!  If I could stop time now, I'd do it in a minute!  Then again, I'm pretty excited to see you continue to blossom into the incredible woman you're destined to be.

Claire, this has been a crazy year for all of us.  But you, in particular, have changed a lot since you turned six.  Your personality continues to become more and more apparent to me, and you continue to surprise me with who you are!  When you were a little girl, I always thought of you as so quiet and content to observe.  But I'm learning that you are actually quite talkative and exuberant!  You have absolutely no problem talking to people, or making new friends.  And you have an enthusiasm for life that cannot be rivaled.  Take this birthday, for instance.  You started your countdown at 7 weeks!  "Only 7 weeks until my birthday!  AHHH!  It's coming so quickly!"  You planned your party nearly every morning at the art table, made lists for what to do before your birthday, and reminded me every time we were at the store that I should probably start shopping for your birthday, because I only had 23 days left! :)  And once you started hearing advertisements for Memorial Day sales, you declared it should be "Clairemorial Day" and insisted that your Dad and I let the radio know they were saying it wrong.  You crack us up!

You are such an important part of our family.  You are the element of stability we so desperately need.  Your Dad and I know we can always count on you to eat and sleep like you should, and to be in a good mood almost constantly.  I'm afraid that sometimes, as the wheel that never squeaks, you're overlooked.  But you and I have worked together over the last year to teach you how to communicate your feelings better.  Because you can so easily find the good in any situation, you sometimes overlook your stressed or hurt feelings.  Then, out of no where and for no apparent reason, you'll freak out and melt into a puddle of blubbering emotions.  It's actually quite the spectacle!  But even when that happens, you've gotten increasingly better at calming down and moving forward.  You are an incredibly mature girl, Claire.  

You have such a sweet relationship with your little sister Sophie.  She completely idolizes you!  Yet I rarely ever see you take advantage of that.  You are a fantastic example of choosing the right.  You and Sophie are so good for each other.  Your Dad and I hope and pray that you will continue to have such a close relationship with her.  You and Johnny still fight quite a bit, but it's to be expected when Johnny's favorite thing is to torment you and you're so proficient at making a big fuss about it. :)  You are so sweet with Luke.  You love to FaceTime with him when he's in the hospital, and you make the most excellent drawings to hang in his room.  You have a new ritual with your Dad where you wait in the hallway by the garage door when you hear him coming home, and once he's in the door he puts down his things so you can run into his arms.  He loves it!  And you have really started to enjoy cuddling with me.  You're not a terribly physically affectionate person, but Tuesdays are your cuddle day with me since I'm home from the hospital all day.  I love it. :)

You are an excellent student.  You're one of Senora Mora's top three Spanish speaking students from both classes!  Both of your teachers, Senora Mora and Mrs. Olsen, absolutely adore you and have told me on more than once occasion that they wished they had a dozen more of you!  Even though you struggle with focus at home, you do great at school.  You have a lot of friends, and often talk about all your adventures at recess and who-likes-who.  I admire you for the ease with which you make friends.  I spent so many lunches alone.  It makes me so happy to see you have so many friends!

Claire, you have a wonderful understanding of the Gospel of Jesus Christ.  You love Primary, and you even gave the scripture all by yourself a few weeks ago!  You enjoy reading from The Book of Mormon in the evening, and you particularly love the Primary songs.  You say sweet and sincere prayers at the end of the day, and I love to hear you talk to your Heavenly Father.  I hope I can do all I'm supposed to do to help you reach the potential your Father in Heaven has in mind for you.  You are truly a choice daughter.

I love you, Baby Girl!  I don't care how mature and breathtakingly gorgeous you become, you'll always be my Claire Bear.  Please continue to be patient with me while I continue to learn with you.  You are such a gift to me!  I know it to be one of my many tender mercies from my Heavenly Father that you were sent to me first.  You have always been, and will always be, my Angel Baby.  Happy Birthday, Claire Bear!  I love you!!

Love,

Mom

Lukey Turns Two!!!

Happy Birthday, Lukey Son!  Too bad it has to be spent in the stinkin' hospital. :(  But when life hands you lemons, you make birthday lemonade, right?  That's right!  We weren't the only ones determined to make the day fun for Luke.  The hospital staff were selfishly excited to be able to celebrate Luke's birthday with him, and I can't say that we blame them all that much. :)  First thing in the morning, they came to his room with some cute signs so that every one would know that it was a special day in Room 4413!

I got there in the morning to spend my special little guy's birthday with him.  I can't believe he's two!  He was sleeping when I got there, so I had to take a picture of how beautiful he looks when he sleeps.  He's such a beautiful bald little boy!  NG tube and all...  

We were lucky to have one of our all time favorite nurses, Nancy.  She's amazing at her job, she's a great friend, and she's fantastic with Luke!  We were trying to get him smiling during the morning, but he just wasn't in the mood.  But Nancy knew just what to do!  She gave Luke his first birthday present of the day...a chloraprep pad!  Lukey loves his medical supplies. :)  But it was what finally perked him up and put him in a birthday boy mood!

In the afternoon, the nurses and Child Life coordinator came to sing Luke "Happy Birthday" and give him some presents.  Luke was definitely all about that!  He smiled from ear to ear while they sang to him, and was so eager to get his hands on those presents!  A new blanket and Thomas the Train!

Finally, Dad and the older kids got the hospital and we were able to be together to celebrate Luke.  I think Claire, Sophie, and Johnny were more excited about Luke's birthday than even he was!  They picked out a balloon on their way to the hospital, and couldn't wait to see Luke's reaction to it.  He love balloons. :)

We sang him "Happy Birthday", enjoyed some family cuddles, and just plain wore Luke out.  We didn't want to, but eventually it was time for the kids and I to head home.  We hated that we were separated on Luke's birthday.  But frankly, we hate it every day that we're separated.  But we spend these days separated so that hopefully we can stay together a lot longer!  

Happy Birthday, Luke!!  We love you so much, and we're so proud of you!  Here's to many, MANY more birthdays!

To My Luke, On Your Birthday...

Oh, my sweet boy.  You're two!  Every time a child turns another year older, everyone exclaims "I can't believe you're __ !"  But with you, my amazing child, we really can't believe it.  You weren't suppose to live to see your second birthday.  Luke, you are a living miracle.

As I've sat in the hospital with you today, I've had so much time to think about you.  I just love you!  You are such a fun boy.  You've kept your nickname, "Mr. Smiles", through all that you've gone through.  And you deserve it.  You are able to communicate such love and joy with your smiles.  You like to babble at us all the time, and every once in a while we catch a word or two. :)  Everyone thinks it's so sweet to hear you say "Mama" as you're coming out of anesthesia, or when you're upset.  What they don't know is that you're not asking for me. "Mama" means "Daddy", "I want that", "Stop doing that", or any number of other things!  But that's okay, because sometimes it does mean me, and I love it. 

Luke, you are still a Daddy's Boy, through and through.  And I can only imagine that will intensity once you have your Daddy's blood coursing through your veins. :)  The relationship you have with your Dad is a special one.  Your Dad is the strongest, kindest, smartest, and most valiant man I know.  You are all of those things and more.  I want you to continue to have such a close relationship with your Dad.  He is a perfect example of all you want to be, and your relationship with him will help you reach your potential and grow closer to your Heavenly Father.  

We've noticed over the past year how much you love and need your sisters and brother.  We're pretty sure that it was being with them that made you better when the doctors said nothing would.  You have a very special relationship with Sophie.  She can always make you smile, and when you're upset and I can't get to you, Sophie is the one that can calm you down.  You just love her to pieces!  You also have a unique relationship with Claire.  You get so excited when she comes around, and look at her expectantly...like you're waiting for her to show you something cool.  I think you even say her name, in your own little two-year-old kind of way.  And then there's Johnny. :)  You love your brother, and he loves you.  Intensely.  I think that's the best word to use to describe your relationship with Johnny...intense!  You love to play with him...especially with blocks or cars.  But it inevitably ends with one or the both of you crying. :)  You two have a lot of lost time to catch up on once you're home and feeling well again.  No one has any doubt you two will be inseparable, just like Claire and Sophie.  

So much focus is given to your cancer, Luke.  It really has defined virtually all of your short life.  You haven't hit the gross motor developmental milestones that you should.  You haven't crawled or walked or pulled yourself up to standing yet.  But you work hard when you're feeling good, and we're excited to see you gain the independence you so greatly desire.  You'll do it.  You're the toughest kid we know!  But where you lack in your gross motor skills, you make up for in fine motor and cognitive skills.  You're right where you should be, and ahead in some areas.  That is such a blessing to us.  With the total body irradiation that you received to prepare for your first bone marrow transplant, your brain received a decent dose.  We were told we could see some delays from that, and so far we haven't.  Again, what a miracle you are!

 I am so proud of you, Son.  You are such an amazing teacher to me.  You have helped me understand the meaning of our time here in mortality.  You have provided an opportunity for me to increase my faith in my Savior, and in His plan.  You help me remember (and have given me many opportunities to practice) to smile through the sorrow, and be cheerful in spite of the trials.  You have helped your Dad and I grow in our marriage, and come closer to understanding what it means to have a celestial relationship.  I had no idea when I held you in my arms for the first time that you would change everything.  That I held in my arms the mightiest child I had ever known, and who would literally be a beacon of light to the world.  

I can't know what the future holds, Luke.  I don't know for certain that we'll see your third birthday together.  I don't know that you'll grow up to read these birthday letters.  And I won't lie...it scares me beyond what words can say.  Your Dad and I have complete faith that you can be healed.  That there can be more miracles in our future, and that you can be preserved here in mortality to continue the great work you've started.  But I also understand that your work may continue on the other side of the veil.  I want you to know that no matter what, I will cherish the day you were born to me...every year for the rest of my life.  You are my son, and you will be my son forever.  And I will be your mother forever.  Our relationship is eternal, and that's what makes this all okay.  Even through the fear and the tears that are making it almost impossible to continue writing this, I have faith that you will be healed.  I can see that handsome, grown-up man wearing a missionary tag that I saw in my mind the day you were blessed.  I have faith that we'll see that day together.

Happy Birthday, my precious boy!  I love you, I love you, I LOVE YOU!  Keep smiling,  my Mr. Smiles!

Love,

Mom

Family Hike

With Luke being in the hospital, the schedule that Danny and I and his parents established provided Saturdays as a day for Danny and I to be together with Claire, Sophie, and Johnny.  This Saturday was the first real opportunity for us to spend the day together having fun, but as of Friday night we weren't sure what to do.  Well, Danny and Claire decided early in the morning that we should go hiking!  We had never done that before, so it got everyone excited.  We packed some snacks and set out towards Adams Canyon.  It was the closest hike we could think of that we knew the kids should be able to handle.  Really, I was more worried about me than the kids!

The start of the hike was a bit discouraging for me.  It was far more challenging than I had expected!  It was sandy, and very steep, and it was oh so hot already!  There was no way I was going to make it up that mountain.  But not wanting to embarrass myself, I kept going and tried not to sound too winded. :)  It wasn't too far up that we hit a bit of a plateau where we could catch our breath before we entered the more wooded part of the trail.  We could see the whole valley from where we were, and I was quite impressed with how far up we had already hiked.  The views were absolutely breathtaking!

As we entered the woods, the temperature probably dropped ten degrees, and we were all incredibly more comfortable.  Spring was in full bloom, and the trees and flowers were gorgeous!  We stopped along the way to look at flowers and bugs, throw rocks, and take water breaks.  

At the top of Adams Canyon is a waterfall.  It's the goal of every hiker on this trail to get to the waterfall.  But being that this was our first hike with the kids, we weren't too worried about getting to the top.  We got awful close, though!  I was impressed with the terrain the kids were capable of handling...

When we decided to turn around, the kids were dirty and tired and having a fantastic time.  We had made it about 3/4s of the way up the trail.  We committed that next time we'd hit the waterfall, for sure.  Because there was one thing we knew for certain...there would be a next time!  Danny and I were pleasantly surprised with how much the kids enjoyed the hike, and I have to admit I was pleasantly surprised with how much I enjoyed it!  Danny and I spent the rest of the afternoon talking about other hikes we could do, vacations we should take that allowed for awesome day hikes, how hiking would change our trips to the cabin and our adventures in Yellowstone, and how we should start buying the right equipment for everyone.  

I think we'll be doing a lot more family hikes!

Preschool Program

I can't believe it, but another school year at Syracuse Montessori is coming to an end!  And what adds to the wonder is that this will end Sophie's preschool career!  After this, she's a kindergartner.  I can't believe it.

Papa stayed with Luke in the hospital, so both Danny and I were able to be there for this year's program.  I was a little worried about Johnny...last year he just stood there like a deer in headlights!  He refused to do anything.  Things didn't look promising at first...

...But when the songs got started, he loosened up a bit.  Wasn't a fan of the actions, but he mouthed most of the words. :)

And because it was Sophie's last year, she got to participate in the"Animal Song".  She was the peacock, and she worked hard to memorize her line.  She delivered it perfectly!  What a gorgeous girl she's grown up to be.

Both Sophie and Johnny did a wonderful job, and they were the stinkin' cutest kids on that stage!  We were so proud of them and so impressed with everything that they've learned through the year.  My favorite part is the video at the end full of pictures of the kids and super sappy music.  Makes me cry every time. :)

Getting our kids into Grandma's preschool was a huge part of us making the decision to leave California and a job that Danny loved to come back home to Utah.  We are so grateful for the experience our children have there, not only with their Grandma but with the other wonderful teachers there.  Mrs. Rowley and Mrs. Moss are deeply loved by our children, and I appreciate and love these women for taking such good care of my babies while I've been with Luke.  Even Aunt Katie got to spend time in the classroom this year as part of her senior year, and her and the kids enjoyed their time together as well.

Next year, it'll just be Johnny at the school.  He's going to miss having Sophie there, but I know he's in good hands!  Literally. :)

Mother's Day

Mother's Day was a little different this year.  Luke had started his preparatory regimen for his transplant just two days before Mother's Day.  We had originally thought that it would take a week or so before Luke really started to feel crummy from the chemo.  We were wrong.  The very first drug was the very worst, and Luke wasn't handling it very well.  So the plans we had made, and any chance Danny had to make things special for me, kind of got swallowed up in worrying and caring for Luke.  But even with all of that, we still managed a pretty nice Mother's Day. :)  The kids had bought a beautiful purple and gold bracelet for me, handmade from a wonderful woman in our ward.  I loved it!  They were so excited to give it to me that they couldn't wait until Sunday...so I got it a day early. :)  I have the greatest kids in the world!

Sunday was a little crazy.  Danny had spent the night at the hospital with Luke, so the kids and I were on our own for Mother's Day morning.  The kids were good to me, and did great getting ready for church with the least amount of intervention on my part possible.  Everyone looked wonderful!  The girls did a great job singing with the Primary during Sacrament Meeting, though Johnny was too nervous to join them.  And they came home from church with all kind of wonderful cards for me.  I just love my kids!

On the way to the hospital to see Luke we stopped by to see the Grandmas on Mother's Day, and give our gifts to them.  We made them the cutest terra cotta pots with pictures of the kids modge podged on them.  They turned out adorable!  Thank you, Pinterest! :)

And of course, I had to see the littlest of the little ones!  I missed Luke so much during the day, and I was so happy that he was happy to see me!  Poor boy wasn't feeling well at all, but was still able to give me the best Mother's Day present he could...his amazing smile.  Oh, and kisses... :)  

Danny felt so bad that he wasn't able to give me the Mother's Day attention that he would have liked to.  But he did get me a wonderful gift!  He bought me a Family Home Evening board that I've been wanting for a long time.  I love it, and can't wait to get it on the wall!

When I had the opportunity to have a blessing from Elder L. Tom Perry, he told me in that blessing that I was "blessed to be a mother in Israel, and there was no greater blessing."  I have thought about that a lot.  Being a mother is very hard work.  Most of what you do hardly gets noticed, and most of your work gets undone in a matter of minutes.  You have to wake up the next morning and do it all again!  There are so many demands on women and mothers in our world today, and it's a constant mental war to keep your mind and spirit in a good place.  But when I'm able to quiet my mind and my heart, I know that Elder Perry was right.  Being a righteous mother in Israel, married to a worthy Priesthood holding son of our Heavenly Father, and raising the choicest of spirits in the Covenant...there are no greater blessing.  I am so grateful for the blessing it is to be able to live a righteous life in this period of time.  My blessings far exceed my worthiness, and I recognize that daily.  I am so grateful for Danny, who chose me to be the mother of his children, and who has helped me to become the mother I am in every way.  Claire, Sophie, Johnny and Luke are the most incredible children I have ever known!  They are my friends (and foes!), my confidants, and the reason I get up in the morning.  I am so humbled to be their mother, and pray I'm up to the task.  I'm grateful for both of my mothers, for raising Danny and I in such a way that we can enjoy the life we're living today.  How deeply grateful I am for all my blessings!

Happy Mother's Day!

Baby Animal Days

We love springtime!  And with springtime comes all the baby animals!  Utah State University puts on Baby Animal Days at the Kaysville USU Botanical Center every year.  The kids' first visit was last year when my Mom took them during one of her sleepover nights when Luke was in-patient for his first bone marrow transplant.  They had such a wonderful time!  We promised them we'd do it again this year.  Well, the hardest part about being a parent is not being able to keep your promises sometimes.  Luke was once again in-patient, and Danny and I couldn't figure out a way to take the kids.  Luckily, Grandma Candy came to the rescue and offered to take them for us!  I was able to meet them in time to see them ride the horses, which they saved until the end just for me.  The kids had fun getting their faces painted, doing crafts, and of course...petting the baby animals!

Thank you, Grandma Candy!  Next year...we all go together! :)

A Party For Our Minion

While Luke's birthday was still a couple of weeks away, we knew Luke was going to be in the hospital and probably not feeling too hot when the big day actually arrived.  So Danny and I made the impromptu decision to celebrate his birthday with family early.  Not to sound too insensitive, but moving into another transplant reminded all of us that we're not guaranteed another birthday with Luke.  The reality of the situation is, this might be the last birthday we celebrate with him.  So we wanted it to be fun, and we wanted everyone that could to be there.  We decided on a Despicable Me 2 Minion theme, since it's Luke's favorite movie.  Because it was Fast Sunday, and we were doing a family fast for Luke, we made the party a potluck so that we could break our fast as a family and then enjoy dinner together.  It was such a tender experience to have both sides of our family together, joined in fasting and prayer for Luke while we celebrated his birthday.  

We ate and enjoyed each other's company, all the while playing with Luke and enjoying the opportunity to see him so healthy and happy.  The food was wonderful, and the kids loved the chance to play with so many cousins.  Once everyone had settled down after dinner, we opened presents with Luke.  He got so many fun new toys to take to the hospital!  He loved blowing out the candle on his cake, though he didn't really have the appetite to eat any of it.  All in all, I think he had a wonderful evening...and I know that each and every one of us loved being able to celebrate Luke.  This little guy has changed every one of our lives for the better!

Happy Birthday, Luke!!  We love you!  You're going to do great with this next transplant, we just know it!