My sweet son. I have thought about this letter for days. And every time I do, a lump grows in my throat and my mind goes blank. There is so much to say, yet I'm not sure where to even start. Forgive me if I seem to ramble.
Luke, I have known since the day I found out I was pregnant with you that you were something special. You came into our life, even in pregnancy, during some of the most difficult times we have experienced as a family. We found out just 10 weeks into my pregnancy that your Dad was going to change jobs, and we would be moving our family from California to Utah...in just a few weeks time. We made the move, and because we didn't have the time to find our own home, we moved in with Papa and Grandma Call. These were some of the best times, and we loved being so close to our family. But it was also very difficult for your Dad and me. Your Daddy's new job wasn't what we thought it would be, and he was very unhappy at work. I was struggling to find my place and my role in a home that wasn't mine. We looked and looked for a home, but nothing seemed to work. There were countless nights that your Dad and I would lay in bed at night and wonder if we had made the right decision. I would pray, and the heavens would feel closed to me. I spent many moments on my knees, pouring my heart out to our Heavenly Father for any answers as to why things were so difficult for us. But I never got an answer. At least not one I wanted. I always felt like we were in a waiting place. When we found out you had leukemia, I instantly understood. I saw the Lord's hand in our life. Guiding us by the minute to the place we were standing in. Exactly where we needed to be to get you better. I hope I have learned more trust in our Lord, and the role he has in our life.
I looked forward to your birth with all my heart. You were something that I knew I could look forward to! I spent a lot of time worrying about how to get you here. I had told myself that no matter what, I would wait until I went into labor to head in for my inevitable c-section. But as you grew bigger and bigger inside of me, our good doctor grew increasingly more concerned with letting me labor for any period of time. I was too tired to fight with him, and resigned myself to a scheduled section about 4 days before my due date. Then I pleaded with my Heavenly Father to either send you early, or make sure you were ready to come to us at the appointed time. I felt a measure of peace, and didn't worry. And when my water broke on the morning of the 19th, I instantly knew it was an answer to the heart-felt prayer of a mother. Your delivery was my most difficult, but I will never forget the overwhelming emotion of joy and relief I felt when I first heard your cry. Luke, you have been strong since your first breath.
It breaks my heart to say this, but I seem to have retained few memories of your first five months. I do treasure the time we spent in the middle of the night, when I would take you out to the family room of Papa and Grandma's house and feed you. You would get so frantic when you were hungry! But then you'd latch on and relax. We would enjoy nursing and sleeping together on that couch for hours sometimes. I remember feeling so stressed and anxious about finding a home, and I would simply pick you up and it literally felt like you were sucking the stress right out of me. You have such a peaceful spirit, Son.
Luke, I have had such tender experiences with you. Experiences that transcend the senses of the mortal body. You have awakened a spiritual sense in me that I didn't know I had. I remember sitting in the pew of the chapel while your Daddy blessed you. I will always remember the brief glimpse I had of you, all grown up and handsome. I will never forget how intensely proud I was of you in that moment. I didn't understand it at the time, and honestly didn't think much of it. But as I paced the hospital halls during your first surgery, with the weight of all the fear I never thought I'd feel, I remembered that precious glimpse and again knew that my Heavenly Father had given me a gift. He let me know months before you were sick that you'd be alright. I remember a week before we took you to Primary's, and that you refused to eat. I was up with you one night, and the house was still except for your pain-filled cries. I sang Primary songs to you for an hour, rocking you back and forth, until you finally fell into a tense sleep. When it was quiet, I remember looking up to the heavens and pleaded with the Lord to make you well. I just needed you to eat. And I distinctly knew that you weren't going to get better. That should have instilled intense fear in me, but it didn't. I just knew you weren't going to just get better. Something more was wrong. But again, I wasn't afraid. I just knew it.
I remember sitting in the ENT's office the first time we heard the words "ct-scan", "lesions", and "oncology". I'm sure my heart stopped beating. I looked at you and could hardly keep myself from crying out loud. I remember watching as the anesthesiologist walked away with you and headed to the OR. I will never forget when the doctor came to see us in the waiting room and told us it was definitely cancer. Your Dad and I had to prepare ourselves for the possibility of losing you. I have never felt such fear and desperation. But I trusted Heavenly Father, and the power of the sealing that binds us together forever. I knew that the Lord had a great purpose for you, though I didn't know what side of the veil it would be on. But I had to trust in Him. And in you. That you would be strong enough to endure what was ahead of you.
I've had moments with you since then that have shown me who you are. I was alone with you in the hospital the morning that we started the first cytotoxic chemotherapy drug. I remember holding you and crying all morning. I was so afraid to start that chemo! I felt like it would be real then. You were going to get sick and lose your hair and you'd really have cancer then. I was so terrified that I was going to lose you, Luke! And I couldn't bear the thought of it. I didn't think that I could do this. I wasn't strong enough! As I laid you down in your crib and watched the nurse hook up the first of many drugs, I could barely contain the tears. I had to fight every instinct in my body that screamed at me to grab you and run as fast as I could away from there. To fight the thought that if I tried hard enough, I could simply believe the cancer away. I looked down at you and you were just looking at me. You had such a completely serene and peaceful look on your face. I heard you tell me, "It's okay, Mom. I'm ready." I immediately made the comparison to our Savior and Brother, walking into the Garden. I was so proud of you!! And you put me at peace. We were going to be okay. I knew it, because you knew it.
I won't belabor the fact that you were at times very sick. There was even that moment when we almost lost you. Honestly, I'm crying too much to go into that right now. :) But let me say that no matter what you were going through, if you were able to, you smiled. Everyone in the hospital knew you as "Mr. Smiles". You literally charmed every one of your nurses and techs. And your oncology doctor, Dr. Luke, was completely wrapped around your finger! You have a magnetic spirit, Luke. You communicate so much through your eyes. Your Dad and I said over and over again when you were just a few months old that we had never seen a more happy baby. You smiled with your whole face. And you can instantly touch someone's heart with that smile. You are an old soul.
Luke, I'm so sorry that we've missed out on so much together. I have been away from you so much during the last six months. To be honest with you, my heart is often wracked with guilt for how much time I've had to spend away from you. I am incredibly jealous of how bonded you've become with your Dad. I feel like my place as your mother was taken away by our circumstances. But again, I am exercising faith that we will be able to make up for lost time. I look forward to forging a new bond with you as we have more time together.
Please know how much I love you, Luke. I am in awe of you. Very early into your diagnosis, your Dad said something to me that has stayed with me. He said that what you were going through couldn't possibly be for you. There was no trial in this for you, as you were just a babe. But that he felt as though you agreed to go through this for us. So that we might learn and grow closer to our Savior. Luke, you have touched so many lives and inspired so many people. I am constantly amazed by people telling me how much your journey has impacted their life. You are truly a chosen spirit. I am beyond humbled that the Lord has entrusted your care and mortal education to me. Your life has marked the most difficult period in our life, but I wouldn't change it for anything in the world. Thank you for coming to me, to teaching your Dad and I how to be better. How to be more worthy of the incalculable blessings we have been given.
Happy Birthday, Luke!! My heart is full and my tears are many for the blessing it is to see this day come with you happy at home. And with a head full of hair! :) We love you, Mr. Smiles! You are a pivotal point in our family. Really, our world revolves around you. And we wouldn't have it any other way.
Love,
Mom
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