To My Claire, On Your Birthday...

Claire, I can't believe you're six years old already!  You are simply growing up too fast!  Your Dad and I laid awake last night and remembered what it was like to bring you home for the first time.  How much our lives changed that day, and every day since.  I've thought about this letter all year, trying to remember all the things I've noticed about you and want to tell you.  It will be hard to do...it's been a very big year!

You started Kindergarten this year, and that more than anything has brought out more of your sweet personality.  I have learned that while you are still cautious by nature, you are not a nervous girl.  This may seem contradictory, so let me explain.  You are still cautious when it comes to experiences where you perceive any possibility of danger or injury.  For instance, you still can barely ride your bike or your scooter because you're too afraid to go fast and fall down.  You are content to take it slow.  But when it comes to new experiences like school or social situations, you enthusiastically rush forward...full steam ahead!  I'll never forget how worried I was for you to go to school on your first day.  I remember being very frightened to leave my Mom and go to school on my first day!  But you gave me a quick hug and a kiss, and ran to class.  You loved your teacher instantly, and have spent the year making her cards and pictures.  You made fast friends in your class, and talk about them every day.  

I have noticed that you truly love learning.  You are excited to tell me every day what you learned in school, and you use that new knowledge to make a little more sense of your world.  I have loved watching you make connections, and then excitedly explain something to me that you've just figured out.  You have a simple, yet mature understanding of the world.  You've learned to read this year, and you sound out every word you come across.  I can already tell that you will develop a love of reading, and that you will travel to worlds beyond number in that imagination of yours.

You still have such a kind heart, Sweetheart.  You make friends so easily, and you love them completely and without reservation.  This is a gift.  You also have shown true love and devotion to your siblings over this last year.  While we have had to deal with Luke being sick, your Dad and I have watched you look after and protect Sophie and Johnny.  You have been patient with them, as they are much more emotionally volatile.  You still wake up every morning, without fail, smiling and chattering away.  I have never in my life known a better example of a morning person!  I love it.  

Claire, you are incredibly beautiful.  Scary beautiful.  Your Dad and I have watched as you've grown this year, and I'm not ashamed to say that there are moments that it scares us to death!  But when I get scared about you turning into a drop-dead gorgeous teenager, and how the world will pull at you, I feel the calm assurance that with only a little guidance you will know who you are.  I can sense that you already know it.  And that knowledge of your divine origin will make you more beautiful, and keep you safe from the buffetings of Satan.  You, my sweet beautiful baby girl, are destined for great things.

We love you, Sweetie!  There are literally a million more things I can say about you.  You are simply amazing, and your Dad and I both feel incredibly humbled to be your parents.  Thank you for coming to me first, and for patiently helping me learn to be a mother.  The learning curve is sometimes pretty steep for me, and I'm so grateful for your quick forgiveness and easy love.  Please know how much I cherish you.  I'm excited to see you grow another year, and I hope to solidify a deeper friendship with you.  Happy Birthday, Claire Bear!

Love, 

Mom

A Little Stay-cation

You can tell how crazy this year has been.  This blog is so far from a chronological order of events it's not even funny!  Here we are, toward the end of May, and I'm still trying to get March blogged!  We took a little trip to the present with Luke's birthday letter...but now we've got to get back to March.  Maybe, just maybe, I'll be caught up and be able to blog June in June!  But I'm not holding my breath. :)

The couple of weeks after my birthday was pretty intense for us.  Luke's bone marrow transplant happened on March 5th, and we buckled in for the ride.  We had no idea how difficult it was going to be!  Luke got really sick within about 5 days of transplant.  At the one week mark, March 12th, he stopped breathing and a Code Blue was issued.  They had to resuscitate him, and he consequently spent 10 days intubated in the PICU.  It was a very, VERY stressful time for Danny and me.  We spent a majority of our time at the hospital with Luke, and so away from Claire, Sophie, and Johnny.  Once Luke was a bit more stable, and it looked like we were going to see the end of the tunnel, we realized the time would come when Luke would be home with us.  We were so excited for that day to come!  But we also recognized that our attention would still be mostly focused on Luke and his care.  We both felt strongly that we needed to take some time with the other kids.  So we decided on a little overnight stay-cation in Salt Lake.

We began our stay-cation on Friday, March 15th.  Danny booked us a room at the City Creek Marriott...the very same hotel we stayed at for my birthday.  We knew the kids would love it.  Danny and I began the day together at the hospital with Luke.  After I had spent a few hours there, I made my way back home and packed everyone's bags.  We were waiting to surprise the kids. :)  I picked them up from Grandma and Papa's house, but they already knew we were going to a hotel!  It may not have been a surprise, but they were nonetheless enthusiastic!!  After we picked up Daddy, we stopped by a Little Caesar's for some $5 pizzas before checking into the hotel.  The kids were so stoked!  When we were living in California, it seems like we had a lot of opportunities to stay in hotels, and the kids have missed that.  We ate a hurried dinner, and then it was off to the pool.  Again, the kids were beside themselves!  Danny and I were enjoying our time with them so much, I forgot to take a single picture. :)  But the pool and hot tub were perfect.

Finally, we dragged our tired children back to our room.  Claire and Sophie fell right to sleep, but Johnny had a harder time of it.  We hadn't bathed any of them before bed, thinking they'd be tired enough to sleep through the irritation of chlorine-soaked skin.  But we should have known Johnny's sensitive skin couldn't handle it.  Finally, at 11:30 pm, we dragged a half-asleep, screaming Johnny into the shower and washed him up.  The shower, paired with a dose of Tylenol, finally put the boy to sleep.  Danny and I weren't far behind.

We all woke up Saturday morning with a healthy appetite from our exploits the night before.  We got the kids ready and made our way to City Creek.  Danny and I knew just what to get for breakfast...KNEADERS!

We ordered breakfast sandwiches and, of course, a fruit tart for all!  The kids ate really good, and Johnny made eating his tart a full body experience! 

After breakfast, we set out to explore the mall a bit.  The kids spotted the Disney Store on our way to Kneaders, so that had to be our first stop.  It reminded them of Disneyland, and they loved it.

The kids had their fun, so it was time for Mom and Dad to have some fun.  To the Apple Store we went!  While we were looking around, the kids enjoyed the iPad minis.  World's Best Babysitter!

After a while, we traded technology for good old fashioned books.  Deseret Book is always a good place to roam around and window shop.  So many awesome books and amazing works of art.  It did the kids some good to be in a quiet place.  They each found a book and made themselves at home. :)

Danny and I really needed this time with Claire, Sophie, and Johnny.  We had missed them a lot!  And it was nice to do the type of thing we used to do as a family.  While we were still acutely aware of Luke not being there, it did us good to remember that our life would some day return to normal.  But it was only a reminder, and the time soon came to get back to our poor Baby Luke.  Danny rode with us on the Trax over to the Planetarium where the kids and I waited to meet Grandma Candy, Isabelle, Eli, and Ava.  Danny rode back to the hotel, picked up the car, and went back to the hospital to spend the rest of the day with Luke.

Our plan once Grandma Candy and the kids arrived was to watch "Flight of the Butterflies 3-D".  But we had to wait about an hour until showtime, so we enjoyed all the cool stuff in the Planetarium store.

And you can't go to the Planetarium and not take your picture on the Moon!

I don't know what you think, but these might be the cutest bunch of Martians ever. :)

The movie was awesome.  We've seen just about every movie they offer, and "Flight of the Butterflies" was by my favorite so far.  It was hilarious to watch the kids try to grab the butterflies out of the air!  The 3-D glasses really made it seem like they were flying right in front of you!

After the movie, we decided to go find a treat.  We let Johnny and Eli lead the way.  These two boys are best buddies.  They go everywhere hand in hand. :)

They led us to Juicy Berry, and we had some delicious frozen yogurt.  The kids love when they each get their own bowl, and they get to chose their own toppings.  I love it, too!  I can't believe my Mom and I were able to handle 6 kids on our own, but they were awesome and made it seem easy.  I'm so proud of how well behaved my children can be.  If only they'd act that way at home!

We had a most excellent afternoon, and we were glad that Grandma Candy, Isabelle, Eli, and Ava were able to join us.  

We are so grateful that we live so close to so many fun things.  With Luke's health, we're going to have to postpone any traveling for another year still.  But that won't keep us from doing the things we love to do as a family.  I love that I married my best friend, and that my children are my buddies.  We have so much fun together.  We can't wait until we get Luke home and well and he can join the fun!!

To My Luke, On His Birthday...

My sweet son.  I have thought about this letter for days.  And every time I do, a lump grows in my throat and my mind goes blank.  There is so much to say, yet I'm not sure where to even start.  Forgive me if I seem to ramble.

Luke, I have known since the day I found out I was pregnant with you that you were something special.  You came into our life, even in pregnancy, during some of the most difficult times we have experienced as a family.  We found out just 10 weeks into my pregnancy that your Dad was going to change jobs, and we would be moving our family from California to Utah...in just a few weeks time.  We made the move, and because we didn't have the time to find our own home, we moved in with Papa and Grandma Call.  These were some of the best times, and we loved being so close to our family.  But it was also very difficult for your Dad and me.  Your Daddy's new job wasn't what we thought it would be, and he was very unhappy at work.  I was struggling to find my place and my role in a home that wasn't mine.  We looked and looked for a home, but nothing seemed to work.  There were countless nights that your Dad and I would lay in bed at night and wonder if we had made the right decision.  I would pray, and the heavens would feel closed to me. I spent many moments on my knees, pouring my heart out to our Heavenly Father for any answers as to why things were so difficult for us.  But I never got an answer.  At least not one I wanted.  I always felt like we were in a waiting place.  When we found out you had leukemia, I instantly understood.  I saw the Lord's hand in our life.  Guiding us by the minute to the place we were standing in.  Exactly where we needed to be to get you better.  I hope I have learned more trust in our Lord, and the role he has in our life.  

I looked forward to your birth with all my heart.  You were something that I knew I could look forward to!  I spent a lot of time worrying about how to get you here.  I had told myself that no matter what, I would wait until I went into labor to head in for my inevitable c-section.  But as you grew bigger and bigger inside of me, our good doctor grew increasingly more concerned with letting me labor for any period of time.  I was too tired to fight with him, and resigned myself to a scheduled section about 4 days before my due date.  Then I pleaded with my Heavenly Father to either send you early, or make sure you were ready to come to us at the appointed time.  I felt a measure of peace, and didn't worry.  And when my water broke on the morning of the 19th, I instantly knew it was an answer to the heart-felt prayer of a mother.  Your delivery was my most difficult, but I will never forget the overwhelming emotion of joy and relief I felt when I first heard your cry.  Luke, you have been strong since your first breath.

It breaks my heart to say this, but I seem to have retained few memories of your first five months.  I do treasure the time we spent in the middle of the night, when I would take you out to the family room of Papa and Grandma's house and feed you.  You would get so frantic when you were hungry!  But then you'd latch on and relax.  We would enjoy nursing and sleeping together on that couch for hours sometimes.  I remember feeling so stressed and anxious about finding a home, and I would simply pick you up and it literally felt like you were sucking the stress right out of me.  You have such a peaceful spirit, Son.

Luke, I have had such tender experiences with you.  Experiences that transcend the senses of the mortal body.  You have awakened a spiritual sense in me that I didn't know I had.  I remember sitting in the pew of the chapel while your Daddy blessed you.  I will always remember the brief glimpse I had of you, all grown up and handsome.  I will never forget how intensely proud I was of you in that moment.  I didn't understand it at the time, and honestly didn't think much of it.  But as I paced the hospital halls during your first surgery, with the weight of all the fear I never thought I'd feel, I remembered that precious glimpse and again knew that my Heavenly Father had given me a gift.  He let me know months before you were sick that you'd be alright.  I remember a week before we took you to Primary's, and that you refused to eat.  I was up with you one night, and the house was still except for your pain-filled cries.  I sang Primary songs to you for an hour, rocking you back and forth, until you finally fell into a tense sleep.  When it was quiet, I remember looking up to the heavens and pleaded with the Lord to make you well.  I just needed you to eat.  And I distinctly knew that you weren't going to get better.  That should have instilled intense fear in me, but it didn't.  I just knew you weren't going to just get better.  Something more was wrong.  But again, I wasn't afraid.  I just knew it.  

I remember sitting in the ENT's office the first time we heard the words "ct-scan", "lesions", and "oncology".  I'm sure my heart stopped beating.  I looked at you and could hardly keep myself from crying out loud.  I remember watching as the anesthesiologist walked away with you and headed to the OR.  I will never forget when the doctor came to see us in the waiting room and told us it was definitely cancer.  Your Dad and I had to prepare ourselves for the possibility of losing you.  I have never felt such fear and desperation.  But I trusted Heavenly Father, and the power of the sealing that binds us together forever.  I knew that the Lord had a great purpose for you, though I didn't know what side of the veil it would be on.  But I had to trust in Him.  And in you.  That you would be strong enough to endure what was ahead of you.

I've had moments with you since then that have shown me who you are.  I was alone with you in the hospital the morning that we started the first cytotoxic chemotherapy drug.  I remember holding you and crying all morning.  I was so afraid to start that chemo!  I felt like it would be real then.  You were going to get sick and lose your hair and you'd really have cancer then.  I was so terrified that I was going to lose you, Luke!  And I couldn't bear the thought of it.  I didn't think that I could do this.  I wasn't strong enough!  As I laid you down in your crib and watched the nurse hook up the first of many drugs, I could barely contain the tears.  I had to fight every instinct in my body that screamed at me to grab you and run as fast as I could away from there.  To fight the thought that if I tried hard enough, I could simply believe the cancer away.  I looked down at you and you were just looking at me.  You had such a completely serene and peaceful look on your face.  I heard you tell me, "It's okay, Mom.  I'm ready."  I immediately made the comparison to our Savior and Brother, walking into the Garden.  I was so proud of you!!  And you put me at peace.  We were going to be okay.  I knew it, because you knew it.

I won't belabor the fact that you were at times very sick.  There was even that moment when we almost lost you.  Honestly, I'm crying too much to go into that right now. :)  But let me say that no matter what you were going through, if you were able to, you smiled.  Everyone in the hospital knew you as "Mr. Smiles".  You literally charmed every one of your nurses and techs.  And your oncology doctor, Dr. Luke, was completely wrapped around your finger!  You have a magnetic spirit, Luke.  You communicate so much through your eyes.  Your Dad and I said over and over again when you were just a few months old that we had never seen a more happy baby.  You smiled with your whole face.  And you can instantly touch someone's heart with that smile.  You are an old soul.

Luke, I'm so sorry that we've missed out on so much together.  I have been away from you so much during the last six months.  To be honest with you, my heart is often wracked with guilt for how much time I've had to spend away from you.  I am incredibly jealous of how bonded you've become with your Dad.  I feel like my place as your mother was taken away by our circumstances.  But again, I am exercising faith that we will be able to make up for lost time.  I look forward to forging a new bond with you as we have more time together.

Please know how much I love you, Luke.  I am in awe of you.  Very early into your diagnosis, your Dad said something to me that has stayed with me.  He said that what you were going through couldn't possibly be for you.  There was no trial in this for you, as you were just a babe.  But that he felt as though you agreed to go through this for us.  So that we might learn and grow closer to our Savior.  Luke, you have touched so many lives and inspired so many people.  I am constantly amazed by people telling me how much your journey has impacted their life.  You are truly a chosen spirit.  I am beyond humbled that the Lord has entrusted your care and mortal education to me.  Your life has marked the most difficult period in our life, but I wouldn't change it for anything in the world.  Thank you for coming to me, to teaching your Dad and I how to be better.  How to be more worthy of the incalculable blessings we have been given.

Happy Birthday, Luke!!  My heart is full and my tears are many for the blessing it is to see this day come with you happy at home.  And with a head full of hair! :)  We love you, Mr. Smiles!  You are a pivotal point in our family.  Really, our world revolves around you.  And we wouldn't have it any other way.

Love,

Mom

The Dawn Of A New Decade

Believe it or not, I left my 20's behind me on March 2nd and turned 30!  I never thought I'd be anxious about growing older.  My mother had me at 29, and then had 5 more kids after me!  My older sister is 11 years older than me, so has been in her 30's for ten years and she never seemed old in any respect.  But over the last year, as I've watched my hair get more and more gray and my body more and more achy and droopy, I've realized that I'm settling into adulthood.  I'm not a young newly wed with a kid or two.  I'm a mother of four children!  I've been married 6 1/2 wonderful years, and we have two cars and a mortgage.  Yup.  I'm definitely grown up!

My birthday fell on a Saturday this year.  Way before Luke got sick, Danny had talked about using a free night we had with Marriott for a birthday get-away for me.  We weren't sure how that would work when Luke got sick, but it just so happened that my birthday fell on the weekend of Luke's preparatory regimen for his bone marrow transplant.  He was still feeling really good, so Papa stayed in the hospital with Luke on the night before my birthday...Friday night.  My Mom was kind enough to have a sleep-over with the older three.  That left Danny and I care-free for the night!

Danny booked a room at the City Creek Marriott downtown, so we decided to spend the evening checking out City Creek.  We hadn't been yet.  It was a beautiful evening, and we very much enjoyed walking the mall and holding hands.  We had no one to pay attention to or worry about but each other, and it was fantastic!  Our first stop was to the Apple Store.  Danny told me on our way in that he really wanted me to buy me an iPad Mini for my birthday, but he was worried about pulling the trigger.  So we were just going to look. :)  Yeah, I walked out with my very own iPad!  I was so thrilled!  I had played with my first one just a couple weeks earlier at a Best Buy, and I was surprised by how much I like it.  The best part for me was how happy it made Danny to buy it for me.  It was adorable.  I have the best husband ever. :)

After walking around for a bit, we had a yummy dinner at The Cheesecake Factory.  To be honest, Danny and I can't figure out what all the fuss is about.  It was a good dinner, but probably not worth the price...in our opinion.  But it was fun, and it really is a beautiful restaurant!  We decided to take our Chocolate Raspberry Cheesecake to-go, and headed back to our room.  Once there, we changed into our swimsuits and made our way to the hot tub.  This was kind of a big deal for me!  I haven't been able to enjoy hot tubs much since we got married, since I'm usually pregnant or with a newborn.  It was so relaxing to just sit there with my sweetheart.  When we were sufficiently wrinkly, we went back to our room and ate our cheesecake in bed while watching Duck Dynasty.  It was absolutely perfect!  We called and checked up on Luke before sleeping a gloriously uninterrupted 9 or so hours.  Words cannot express how wonderful it felt to wake up next to each other after a good night's rest.  It's been a while!

We had some time in the morning before heading back to the hospital to see Luke, so we decided on a delicious breakfast at Kneaders.  It was also the perfect time to try out the camera on my new iPad!  We both enjoyed a delicious breakfast sandwich and a fruit tart.  Divine.

It was such a perfect night.  I certainly didn't feel 30!  The day of my birthday was probably the youngest and most energetic I had felt in a long time! :)  Danny did such a perfect job of making my day (and the night before) wonderful.  Thank you, Sweetheart!  You're the best!

After breakfast, we were anxious to get back to our little guy.  With the way the day was going to work out, I was only going to get the chance to see Luke in the morning before heading home to our other kids.  Definitely one of the highlights of my day was seeing my Luke doing so well!

I love my Mr. Smiles so much.  Looking back, it was a tender mercy that my birthday came right before his transplant...and the hardest 3 weeks of our lives.  Luke's smiles and kisses made me feel like a million bucks!   I remember right as I walked in, he got excited and wanted me to pick him up.  And then he didn't want to go to Danny!  That was the best present of all. :)

As is the nature of the hospital shuffle, the time came too quickly that we had to leave our Luke and head home.  Papa promised to have a fun day with him, and we knew Luke would be fine.  Claire, Sophie, and Johnny were so excited to see me when we got to Grandma Candy's!  We had left a car at Grandma Candy's the night before, so Danny took the kids and did a little birthday shopping with them while I headed home to enjoy some peace and quiet in our lovely home.  When Danny and the kids got home, it was time for presents!  Danny helped the kids pick out the perfect present.  A cover for my iPad!! :)

Now, you'll have to forgive my fuzzy memory...I am getting old now. :)  I think we just spend some time hanging out together, and then we made our way to an early dinner at Red Robin.  We were having a family/ward fast for Luke the next morning, so that was even more reason for a filling meal!  It was perfect...except that we were missing our Luke-Son.  

I enjoyed the rest of my day with Claire, Sophie, and Johnny and it continued to be wonderful.  The kids were good for me, and good to me.  I missed Danny and Luke, but tried to enjoy some time after the kids went to bed just being by myself.  I slept good that night, officially one year older.

Sunday, March 3, was Fast Sunday.  When Bishop Streuling heard that Luke was heading into transplant, he asked if it would be okay to hold a ward fast.  We were, of course, humbled and happy to accept.  The ward was made aware of Luke's situation, and reminded for the weeks leading up to Fast Sunday to fast for his successful transplant.  That day's meeting was especially tender for me.  The Spirit was strong, and I was again reminded of the many blessings Luke had received that blessed him to recover from his illness.  I had been so worried about the possible side effects to his radiation, but as the day progressed I felt more and more at peace that he would not suffer any side effects from that procedure.  After the block of meetings was over, the ward met back in the chapel.  There was a song and an opening prayer, and then the Bishop gave a short lesson to the Primary children and youth about what was happening, and the power behind fasting.  He then invited everyone that could to kneel where they were, and he prayed in behalf of our infant son.  It was one of the most powerful and tender moments of my life.  Here was a room full of faithful Saints, and friends who still feel like strangers, that were fasting and praying for my little boy.  It was overwhelming, and it strengthened my spirit in ways words cannot express.  I will never forget the heavenly feeling in that room.  I think I know a little more of what Zion will feel like.  I want to be more worthy of it.

We came home after we broke our fast with the ward, and officially broke our family fast.  I can't remember what we ate, which only goes to show that I am getting older!  But I do remember that Grandma Candy came over for cake and ice cream!  In this case, they were one in the same.  Grandma Candy treated me to a Chocolate Xtreme Ice Cream Cake from Dairy Queen!  It. Was. Incredible!  Officially my favorite cake, hands down.

The kids helped me blow out my candles, and I made my wish.  Because the time has already passed, I can tell you what my wish was.  It was kind of obvious.  I wished for Luke's transplant to be successful, and for him to be home for his 1st birthday.  And for him to be home for every one of my birthdays after this one.  I'm pretty sure I'm getting my wish. :)

And with that, my birthday weekend was complete.  I might not be as young as I used to be.  I might have gray hairs and a completely different body than I used to have.  But I'm happy.  And I'm excited to see what the next decade holds for me and my sweet family.  I have been blessed in my life, time and time again, with more than I am worthy to receive.  I am grateful for all I have experienced in my life so far...every up and every down.  They have made me who I am today, and they have brought me to the place I am now.  I am grateful to see the Lord's hand in my life, and hope always to follow the path He has set for me.  Here's to another decade of health and happiness!