Another Year Closer, And A Look Back

After we were done decorating the house for Christmas, we had to go visit Aunt Rachel's Place.  On December 1st, it had been 3 years since Rachel passed away.  And as we like to say, we're one year closer to being with her again.  But this year's anniversary felt, well, perfunctory.  To me, at least.  Again, we were so consumed with Luke and the shuffle to and from the hospital and child care that there was barely any room left in my mind for anything else!  Again, like with the beginning of the holidays, I wasn't really feeling much emotion.  But I wanted to mark the day, so we picked up some flowers and headed to the cemetery.  

I really can't believe everything that has happened in the three years since I was last with my sister.  I've had two sons she hasn't met yet, we moved back from California, bought our first house, and had a cancer diagnosis.  In three short years.  I have no idea what she's accomplished during that time, but I can imagine she's got her own impressive list.  A few months back, I found out from my Mom that a family friend took pictures through the viewing, funeral, and interment.  I had no idea.  I've had the chance to look through them a couple of times now, and I can't believe how fresh the emotions and memories can be while at the same time feeling so very long ago.  To mark Rachel's anniversary this year, I wanted to finally officially document some of those pictures, along with some of the memories that go along with them.  

I very clearly remember my Mother handling her emotions so well.  I remember watching her and thinking there was no way I could stay so well-composed during such a difficult time.  She really was, and still is, an example of complete faith in our Heavenly Father's plan.

The memory that is probably the most poignant is how amazing Rachel looked.  I remember being terrified when we walked in to see her body for the first time before the viewing started.  I didn't know what to expect.  But when I saw her, I couldn't believe it was only her body.  I had to fight the feeling that she was going to just open her eyes and laugh at us for all crying so much.  She looked so beautiful and angelic and so...her.  We chose to have the sunflowers embroidered on the inner lining of her casket, because those were her favorite flowers.  She said they were her favorite because they always stretched to face the sun...or Son.  The temple dress we chose for her to wear was actually a new dress that year, with the name "Sunflower".  All us girls got one, and hopefully the day will come when we will all be in the temple together wearing them.

The Fam! 

Danny's parents were so amazing through the entire process.  Lori and Roger kept the girls for us, overnight some nights, and watched them during the viewing and funeral so that we could be there for my Mom.  I can't believe how little the girls were!  Claire wasn't even 3 yet, and Sophie was just over a year old!  I also can't believe how long my hair was!  Holy cow!  And that special glow?  Yeah, that was me pregnant with Johnny and not even knowing yet.  I remember my stomach being upset all the time and the only thing that tasted good were sandwiches.  I should have known. :)

The following pictures are of the displays we set up of Rachel's things for the viewing.  Rachel was such an eclectic hippy chic at heart, and she had so many cool things that were so her.  Looking through these pictures reminded me of just how cool Rachel was.  And how true she was to herself.

Rachel had a thing for funky sunglasses.  She had quite the collection, too!  Whenever I see those big, round, 80's style sunglasses, I smile.

Rachel was a Student Body Officer at Layton High.  She loved working in the office and with the other officers.  She actually got to ride her bike in a Layton City parade as part of her duties. :)

Rachel was also an accomplished artist.  She loved to draw and paint.  Really, she was creative in every part of her life.  Her room, her clothes, her makeup and hair.  Everything she touched became a creative outlet for her.

This was a blanket given to my Mom from the Layton High School community.  I couldn't believe how many people knew and loved Rachel from her high school.  I'm pretty sure all of 20 people knew my name while I was in high school! :)

Rachel was also a very good student.  I remember her studying like crazy to pass her AP History class.  I can't remember if it was American or European History, but that girl stressed over that class.  And passed. :)

Again, I can't believe how much the kids have changed in three years.  From left to right: Lily, Claire, Isabelle, Roman, Bowen, Baron, and Sophie in front.

These roses came from the other Student Body Officers at Layton High.  I thought it was so cool how they printed their messages onto the roses.  

My Mom's Dad and siblings all came into town for the funeral.  I can count on probably one hand the times I remember being with my Mom's family growing up.  They've always lived so far away.  It was really kind of them to come support us, and especially my Mom.  Since my Mom's a convert to the church, it was also a real missionary opportunity.  Nothing major came from their visit, but they did leave with something of an understanding as to why we believe what we do.  And the comfort the Gospel can bring.  

Aunt Connie, Mom, and Aunt Cindy

Uncle Craig, Aunt Connie, Grandpa Aldrich, Mom, Uncle Chuck, and Aunt Cindy

It was really nice to spend some time with my Grandpa.  He's such a funny guy!  He was particularly tenderhearted during this difficult time.  My Grandma Aldrich died of brain cancer before Rachel was even conceived.   I remember my Mom telling me that Grandpa told her how much my Mom reminded him of my grandma.  And how much she would have liked Rachel.  

This is the EMT team that responded to Rachel's accident.  I believe it's the woman on the left that has become a friend to our family.  Her name is Jen Daley, and she was the first on the scene.  She said that when she observed the accident from the road, she knew there would be fatalities, and she braced herself for a very difficult scene.  But when she got to my sister's car, she said it was like looking at a sleeping princess.  There was no blood, and very little trauma to Rachel's body.  She died of internal injuries.  She said that whenever she was working with Rachel, it was completely peaceful and quiet.  But the world would come back as soon as she turned her attention from Rachel.  She said it was one of the most incredible experiences of her life, and it changed her forever.

They were so kind to come to Rachel's viewing.  I would imagine they don't always do that, but their experience with Rachel and our family was such that they wanted to come and show their support and love...for a family that they only just met, and in a time of extreme grief.  The men and women who serve our community in this way will forever have my gratitude and support.  They do a great work.

From the day Rachel died, up to the day of the funeral, it was bitter cold.  But there wasn't any snow on the ground.  When we woke up to get ready to go to the funeral and bury Rachel, it had snowed inches over night, and it was still coming down hard.  It was incredibly depressing.  I'm so glad that we kept Rachel's color, sunshine yellow, as a part of everything.  It brought the sunshine into that morning.

I'm so bummed that this picture is out of focus!  These were the pall bearers.  From left to right: Brother Scott Priest (our family's home teacher and good friend), Danny, Nick, Jeff, Ace, and Matt

We worried that the inclement weather would keep a lot of people from attending Rachel's services, but we were wrong!  She completely filled up the entire chapel and cultural hall of the stake center.  This picture was taken before the doors closed, and it shows how far back the seats were already taken.  And they eventually all filled up.  It was incredible and emotionally overwhelming to follow Rachel's casket into the chapel after the family prayer and see the multitude of people in attendance.  

Speaking of the family prayer, I remember how incredible that experience was.  I remember my emotions being pulled in two directions.  On the one hand, I was experiencing the most exquisite and painful grief I've ever had.  We had all written a letter to Rachel to put into her casket with her, and I remember as I put my letter in my mind was shouting "No! No! Don't close the casket! She'll be gone!"  Then, on the other hand, there was the immense peace that came from our Heavenly Father, with the reassurance that we would see Rachel again.  It was a very unique juxtaposition of emotion.

Like I said, it was a dreary winter morning when we arrived at the cemetery for the interment.  It was bitter cold and grey.  

Once we were all gathered, I think my Mom's bishop might have said a few words before the grave was dedicated.  And I'm pretty sure my brother Nick said the dedicatory prayer.  I don't remember much of it, to be honest.  I was trying desperately to keep one of my daughters warm, whichever I was holding, all while feeling my toes grow increasingly more numb.  What I do remember, however, and is forever seared in my memory, is that as soon as Nick closed the prayer, a single ray of sunlight broke through the cold winter clouds, and shined directly on my mother's face.  It was instantly obvious that was no coincidence, but by design.  I'm so grateful it was caught on camera.  I'm grateful for a loving Heavenly Father that really is in the details of our lives.

Like everything else, we made sure Rachel had a beautiful casket.  I was grateful for my Dad's family, for my grandmother, Aunt, and cousin, who traveled to support my Dad during his time of grief.  Since my parents divorced about a decade before, we hadn't had much contact with my Dad's side of the family.  I'm grateful that we were able to put aside all of that to mourn for Rachel together.

Danny and I had the opportunity to live with my Mom and Rachel the summer before she died.  We spent countless nights playing cards and watching TV together.  Rachel's best friend, also named Rachel but affectionately referred to as "Mexicasian" (her parents were Mexican and Asian), spent a lot of time at the house with us.  She called my Mom "Mama" and really was a part of the family.  Rachel's death was at least as hard on her as it was on us, but I think more so.  She does not share our faith, and so didn't have the comfort that the Plan of Salvation offered to us.  I remember finding her after the interment was over and trying to communicate to her that it was going to be okay, and that she should still come by the house often.  I think she stayed in touch with my Mom for that first year, but not after that.  I sure hope she is happy.  I know Rachel is still looking out for her Mexicasian... :)

One, of many things, that my Mom's ward is good at is throwing awesome parties with incredible food.  The Relief Society handled the luncheon for the family, and the food really was incredible.  I would remember, I was pregnant. :)  The women of the ward served us more than just food, they watched out for our young children so the adults could visit.

 I remember the mood being curiously jovial.  The room was full of laughter and easy conversation.  Again, not exactly what I expected.  But the feeling of peace was as pronounced as ever as we walked away from the cemetery and then made our way back to the stake center for lunch.  I was absolutely confident that I would see my sister again, and that my family would be okay.

Those are just a few of the memories that came back to me as I looked through those pictures.  What a sacred time for my family.  I feel so grateful for the gospel, for the truths I've known since infancy, that helped to guide me through that difficult time.  Because as incredibly bolstered by the Spirit was we were during that first week, eventually the Spirit pulls back and you have to face the new reality you've been dealt. And that is not easy.  But as the Savior told us "I will not leave you comfortless: I will come to you" (John 14:18)  Things definitely weren't easy in the weeks, months, and years following Rachel's death.  But for those who sought Him, the Savior was never far away.

I've been so grateful that I experienced Rachel's passing, and learned what I did from it.  When we got Luke's diagnosis, I experienced a lot of the same feelings as I did when Rachel died.  But this time, I understood it better.  Thank you, Rachel, for continuing to teach me by your example...even after death.  I know that life continues, and that there is work for us to do on the other side of the veil.  I know that families can be together forever, and are the central unit of Heavenly Father's plan.  I am so grateful for the temple, and the power of the priesthood that binds us there.  I am, every day, grateful for the privilege I have to live as a righteous daughter of our Heavenly Father.  My blessings have always far exceeding that for which I am worthy.

Rachel, I still miss you so much.  Life has moved forward since you left us, and there has been much happiness and some more sadness.  Thank you for staying close to me during the good times and the bad.  I love you always, and will see you again.