Megan Gets Married!

When Megan got engaged, we knew the day of her wedding would be awful close to when I was suppose to have Joey. Sure enough, she picked the same week! It broke our hearts that Danny and I wouldn't be able to make it. Megan is my oldest niece and this wedding was going to be awesome! But...we kind of had plans. :) But my Mom offered to take the kids if they wanted to go, and Claire and Sophie jumped at the opportunity!

They left the day after Joey was born, and got to Denver in time to help get everything for the reception set up. The girls were a great help! The day of the wedding arrived, and the morning was full of primping and preening. While the adults were in the temple, the kids made the best of their time waiting. The girls loved every single minute of it! This was their first wedding (that they can remember), and it was just magical. But they were blown away when it came time for the reception...

Jeff and Jami did what they do best...and they did this reception bigger and better than any before! The whole church building was transformed, and music was amazing, the dancing was intoxicated, the food delectable, and the cake...well, Jannet made the cake and it was perfection.

Mark and Megan were as happy as they ever dreamed they could be! Here's to a whole eternity of happiness for these two!

(And for the record, we are now square with Megan. We got married on her birthday, I almost had Johnny on her birthday...but now she got married when I was having a baby and couldn't be there. In Megan's words, the universe has now been appeased.) :)

We love you, Mark and Megan Decker!

The First Few Days...

Our first night with Joey was a pretty good night, from what I can remember. My pain was still an issue, and it was pure torture when the nurses would have to come in and press on my abdomen. I was blessed, however, to have some pretty fantastic nurses. I was told that first night that my PCA would be shut off the next morning, and I was so nervous! My pain was barely under control, and I couldn't imagine dealing with worse. Or maybe I could, and that was why I was so nervous! When shift change came about I talked with my new nurse and told her how I was feeling about removing the PCA. We decided she'd tell the doctor to go ahead and prescribe the IV meds for the day and we'd turn the PCA off, but not disconnect me yet. I was good with that, and as it turned out, the IV meds worked WAY better than the PCA. This nurse was also the 3rd nurse to tell me that they weren't surprised in the least that I was having so much more pain than with my previous surgeries. Apparently adding the tubal to the c-section does make for a more difficult recovery. Who knew?! Definitely not Dr. Davis, who told me I wouldn't notice a difference at all. :) This nurse was also the saint who brought me an abdominal brace, which was amazing!!! I couldn't believe I never got one during my previous four recoveries. I wish I could remember her name, cause she was awesome!

So one thing that we did with Joey that we didn't do with the others was to delay his first bath. He was obviously wiped down after birth, so he wasn't gross or anything. :) I had done some research, and found that delaying the first bath helped with breastfeeding, body temperature control, blood sugar levels...tons of stuff! This was new to the staff, but they went long with it for the first day. But once he was 24 hours old they started to really want him to have a bath. We decided we were fine to do it then, and they brought in this big warming table so that Joey wouldn't get cold. Joey loved the warmth, and just spread right out! He looked huge on that table! My big boy. :) The tech proceeded to get him all washed up, and especially loved being able to wash his massive amounts of hair. 

After school was out, Grandma Candy brought the kids back to the hospital to see Joey. She even took them the store to pick out flowers and treats for Joey and I. We all loved that. :) This was the last time we'd all be together until after Joey and I would be discharged, since Claire and Sophie were heading with Grandma Candy the next morning for Megan's wedding in Denver. We were sure to take our new family picture before they left, and were definitely sure in include our Lukey. Here we are, as complete as our family will get in mortality! Danny, me, and our FIVE kids!!

Once the girls left with Grandma Candy, it was just me and the boys. Johnny had decided not to go to Denver because he wanted to be the one to hold Joey all the time. This boy was born to be a big brother! He loved helping to take care of Joey. Later, Papa came up to spend some time with us and take Johnny back to spend the night with them.

By our second morning there, I had officially run out of colostrum, and Joey was getting hungry. We had given him a bottle here and there, but we were trying to walk a delicate balance between keeping him nursing to encourage my milk to come in and keeping him from screaming in hunger. It made for some longer nights. Good thing Danny's job was to snuggle with the baby, so it didn't require too much sleep. :) 

Danny has always brought be roses after our babies are born. It's the only time he buys me roses, and they are always so beautiful. This dozen might just be my favorite!

Johnny spent as much time as he could at the hospital with us, taking good care of me and Joey. My pain was getting better by the day, which was good. But I was having a hard time with my oxygen saturation. I would often need some oxygen while I was awake, and definitely while I was asleep. It worried me, so we decided on one more day in the hospital after they said I could go home. 

Finally, after four days in the hospital (including the day of delivery), we were ready to go home! My favorite part of going home is getting the baby in their "going home" outfit, which I have always picked especially for them. Believe it or not, neither Johnny or Luke wore BYU home from the hospital! So that had to be Joey's outfit. :) In fact, this onesie was one of the gifts that the kids opened for the gender reveal all those months ago. So cool. I wasn't strong enough to do much of the dressing, so Danny handled most of it...like he has for all our babies. It was crazy to think that this will be the last time we did this! Joey wasn't so much a fan of this whole "getting dressed" business. :) I stepped in for the putting on of the pants (which were the same pants Johnny wore home from the hospital), because out of principle I wanted to be involved! And I wanted a picture with my newest little man. :)

And then we were ready to go home! It was so strange to think that this was it...the last time we'd have a baby. We feel like we made the right decision to go ahead and remove my tubes with this delivery, but I can't help but be sad. It's the end of an era! I looked forward my whole life to having my babies, and each one has been more beautiful and incredible than I could have ever hoped for! It's hard to think that I won't do it again. 

Anyway...we got Joey all buckled up and made our way home to an almost empty house for a few days. Danny and I were both very much looking forward to sleeping in our own bed! We were going to miss the girls like crazy, but we looked forward to some quiet time with Johnny and Joey.

 Welcome to the family, Joseph Perry! You are the perfect caboose for our family, and we love you to pieces!!

One Last Birth Story

Joseph Perry Call

April 11, 2016

7:58 am

12 lbs 0 oz

22 inches

Head Circumference: 38.5 cm

It had been a short night when the alarm went off at 4:00 am. I was nervous, but ready to do this thing. Danny and I got showered and finished putting the last few items in the hospital bag. We made it to the hospital right at 5:30 am, got checked in, and shown to our room. I changed into my lovely hospital gown, got hooked up to the monitors, received my IV, and took some pre-surgery meds...which were awful. Especially on an empty stomach, and without any water to wash them down! But I manage to not throw up, so that was a success. :) 

As we waited for my surgery time, which was scheduled for 7:30 am, we just sat and chatted with the nurses. I vacillated between really, REALLY nervous to surprisingly calm. My Mom showed up just a little bit before they were ready to take me back, and I was comforted to know that even if Danny and the baby couldn't stay with me that she'd be there when I was out of surgery. But hopefully we'd all arrive together. I was looking forward to the new c-section protocols that allowed Danny and the baby to stay with me while they closed me up. I wouldn't be away from Joey for any time at all, provided all was well. I've never been able to stay with my babies (or had them stay with me) so I was pretty excited about that! Hopefully this would be my best birth experience yet.

It was right about 7:30 am when they told me it was time to have my baby! Danny got his gown on, and we took one last picture before we were parents of five!

I was grateful once again that at McKay-Dee, they allow Danny to stay with me as I receive my spinal block. I hate that part! This anesthesiologist was awesome, though, and I hardly felt a thing. And within a minute or so I really couldn't feel a thing! :) And then it was time. I don't remember being any more nervous this time than any of the others. I remember taking a deep breath and gathering my strength, forcibly calming my nerves, as Dr. Davis got started. But it didn't take long before I started to fall apart. All I remember was telling Danny over and over again that it hurt. But I can't remember what exactly hurt, just that I didn't like what I was feeling. I apparently got a dose of Versed from the anesthesiologist, but that just made me panic more when I started to not be able to focus my eyes. I kept crying out to Danny, and he kept telling me to close my eyes. I lost a little bit of time, and then I remember Danny telling me that the baby was almost here. I remember the intense pressure of them pushing on my abdomen and then the following relief of tension when my baby was born. I didn't have to wait to hear my boy cry. Joseph immediately started crying with a strong, loud cry...and then the tears of relief started. I had some clarity in that moment, and I remember feeling immense gratitude that he was here. And I remember thinking about Luke, and that added to the tears. Not in a painful way, more in a cathartic way. I noticed all the comments of how big he was, how much hair he had, and how big his head was. But I didn't get to see him. Then I heard how big he was. Twelve pounds!! That announcement sure had everyone talking! Dr. Davis laughed as he said that was record breaking baby for him, both in weight and in head circumference. I remember feeling a perverse kind of pride in that. :) As I listened to my son's strong cry, I started to relax a bit. But with that relaxation came something else. Nausea. My sweet husband got to sit by my face and hold a bag to my mouth while I repeatedly threw up. They gave me another anti-emetic through my IV, and that's when they gave Joseph to Danny. He tried to show me the baby, but I couldn't get my eyes to focus. I couldn't see my baby. Even as I write this, my heart breaks again. All I remember is a dark fuzzy circle that was his head, but I didn't kiss him. I didn't tell him hello, and tell him how excited I was to finally meet him. My son didn't hear his mother tell him how much she loved him in his first few moments in this world. And I'll never get those moments back.

I continued to be sick, and Danny was left to balance a 12 lb baby in one arm and a throw-up bag in the other. A nurse finally came over and asked if we would like her to take Joey to the nursery. It only goes to show how NOT okay I was that I begged Danny to stay with me. Usually, I have that "mama bear" instinct to make sure my baby isn't with strangers. Being on the other side of things, I can't remember what the deal was...why I was having such a hard time. After another couple doses of Versed, I finally fell asleep for a while. It seemed like the surgery took a lot longer than the other ones. We were doing the tubal along side the c-section, but the way Dr. Davis had talked it wasn't supposed to add more than a couple of minutes to the surgery. I remember Danny saying, "uterus of steel", and apparently that was the point in which my uterus was lying on my stomach. It still freaks me out that Danny saw my guts! I remember the pain that came when they put my uterus back (not so gently), and then I don't remember anything after that until I was back in my room. Apparently Danny and Joey walked in with me, and my Mom was there waiting. But I don't remember. I honestly don't even remember when Danny first handed Joey to me. I'm so grateful my Mom was there and got the pictures I wanted! I do vaguely remember nursing Joey for the first time. I couldn't sit up at all, so I was still on my back when Danny and the nurse positioned him on my breast for me. He latched on like a champ! And that's all I remember...

Now that I think about it, I remember what the drug Versed is all about. I causes a sort of amnesia for the event. It's the drug Luke got during the time he was intubated in the PICU. It's the drug that Sophie and Johnny had during their dental work, given to them for the express purpose of making them forget the experience so they wouldn't be traumatized and hate the dentist forever after. And that's what I got during my last birth experience. If I had the choice, I would have opted for the pain to keep my memories. As I'm writing, I realize this isn't a beautiful, happy birth story. I usually try to put a happy spin on things for this family history of ours. But I can't seem to do that with this one. During my pregnancy with Johnny, in preparation for our home birth, I gained a testimony of birth. I'm passionate about it, and it hurts my heart greatly that I'll never experience it the way it's supposed to be. I am grateful for modern obstetrics...otherwise I don't know that I would have survived childbirth. Definitely not these big boys of mine. But Joey's birth was the hardest one for me, and the worse experience I've had. I didn't think it could get harder than Luke's, but Joey's was much, much worse. And that wound is deeper than the rest, because it's my last one. I won't have another baby, and a chance to have that magical experience. I, of all people, should appreciate the fact that I had a healthy baby...so who cares how he got here? Well, I do. Though that doesn't diminish my gratitude for the safe arrival of my big, beautiful baby boy.

My first memory of Joey took place at some point while I was in that first room, before being moved to my recovery room. Danny was sitting with Joey in his arms, showing me his face. I could finally focus my eyes, and I saw how much hair he had. That was significant to me, because I didn't know if he'd have much hair or not. The older three did, but Luke didn't. And Joey? Well, Joey had more hair than any of them...and by quite a bit! I remember looking at his face and commenting to Danny that I didn't know who he looked like, and Danny agreed. We both said, kind of at the same time, that he was his own kid. :) 

I can't imagine it took long before we were moved to my recovery room. We ended up with the room in the far corner of our unit, all by our lonesomes, thanks to a dear friend who works there and wanted us to have a nice, quiet room. :) I only have sketchy memories of the first few hours there, and what I do remember involves a lot of pain. Apparently, Dr. Davis knew from my time in surgery that I was going to be in quite a bit of pain, and so he had ordered a PCA for my pain management. All I remember is Danny setting an alarm so that I could press the button just as soon as it unlocked. It took the edge off, but I was still in quite a bit of pain.

We had planned for Angela (our photographer friend) to meet us at the hospital before the kids showed up so that we could capture that moment when they first met their littlest brother. But I was in no condition for visitors or pictures, so we asked that she try coming back another day. After I was moved to my recovery room, my Mom had left to go pick up Johnny from the preschool and check the girls out of school. Sometime in the early afternoon, I remember hearing my oldest children's excited voices outside my room as Grandma Candy tried to shush them a bit. They were so excited! I remember Johnny was out in front as they made their way in the room, and all three of them went straight to the chair Danny was sitting in with our precious Joey.

After Johnny had taken a look, he came over to make sure I was alright. He had been nervous for me to have the surgery. That boy is my boy, through and through. :) I remember feeling comforted by Johnny coming to hold my hand. 

My moment with Johnny didn't last long, after all, the kids were there to see Joey! They were all instantly in love with him, and couldn't get enough of him. Something fell into place for them now that they had another baby brother to care for and protect. I don't know that they've known it, but I think they've all felt a vacancy in that regard since Luke died. It just felt right for them to have a little brother to love on again.

The kids stayed for a while, but eventually it was time for them to head back to Grandma Candy's until Grandma and Papa picked them up to spend the night at their house. I don't remember most of the time they spent there, as I was still in a lot of pain and on a lot of morphine and honestly only semi-conscious most of the time! I remember not being able to keep my eyes open sometimes, and just falling asleep. Again, so grateful my Mom and Danny had the presence of mind to get the pictures I wanted!

It was early evening when Grandma, Papa, and Aunt Julie were able to make it to the hospital to meet Joey. I remember very, very little of their visit. Come to find out, I didn't have anyone take any pictures! Luckily, Grandma got a good one of Papa holding Joey for the first time. My kids are lucky to have such a loving Papa! And Grandma, Papa, and Aunt Julie were all equally smitten with our newest arrival.

Once they left it was just about the end of the day. I was still really struggling with the pain, and I don't remember holding Joey much at all. I remember asking Danny to take at least one picture with me and Joey together...if I had had ANY idea how beat up I looked, I might have waited on that picture! :) As it is, it really does capture what Joey's birth day was like for the two of us. We had both been through quite a bit together, and we were chubby and tired. :)

This has been a hard post for me to write. My heart has broken again and again as I relived the experience. I don't know why it had to be so hard. I don't know why I didn't get the experience I had been hoping for. But I do know this: Danny and I made another incredible child. We have such beautiful children! And my Joseph is mine. He's my son. And I'm so happy to be his mother! I wish it could have gone differently, but if I had to I'd do it again to get him here. 

Happy Birth Day, Joey!! Welcome to the Fam!

The Last Three Weeks

So, as it turns out, I could continuing growing for three more weeks!

Time really slowed down during this last three weeks. Which is par for the course, really. I had trouble sleeping, eating, sitting, laying down, moving, walking, breathing...everything! All day, every day. And I kept hoping against hope that something would happen and I'd get to have our son early. Dr. Davis, at every appointment, reminded me that it didn't matter if they hurt or not...if I had 5 or more contractions during one hour I was to go directly to the hospital to have that baby. And you know what? That happened. A lot, actually. But I never felt like it was time. So I didn't go in, and every time the contractions would stop once I laid down for the night. And every morning I awoke to disappointment at another day pregnant, but grateful that I hadn't pulled the trigger and had him before he was ready. I have prayed and prayed that the Lord would made sure Joey was ready by the time that scheduled section came, and I thought maybe things would be like they were with Luke and my water would break or something so that I would know that Joey was ready. That didn't happen, and I have been repeatedly disappointed during this last few weeks that it didn't. But as I'm writing this, I had the thought that the Lord did hear and answer my prayers...I knew every time I would start contracting that it wasn't time yet. Joey wasn't ready to come. I'm grateful that I listened, and I'm grateful for a loving Father who knew my heart and let me know.

My appointments with Dr. Davis were always interesting. I've been meeting with him weekly now, and it was always fun to find out how big Joey was measuring. At my second to last appointment, at 37 weeks, we couldn't even get a decent measurement because Joey's abdomen was bigger than the view of the ultrasound screen! The best estimate we could get was somewhere between 11 lbs 3 oz and 10 lbs 6 oz...with two more weeks to go! Dr. Davis also noted the insane amount of fluid I was still carrying, and remarked that it was going to be quite the flood in the delivery room when they broke my water. :) But even with as big as the baby was and as uncomfortable as I was, everything looked great. My blood pressure was awesome and Joey's heartbeat was nice and strong. 

My next appointment was at 38 weeks. The night before this appointment had been a truly terrible, awful, miserable night. I could barely get myself out of bed at night to use the bathroom, I couldn't breathe when I laid down, and the pubic bone pain was constant. Somehow, in the middle of the night, I convinced myself that it was at least a possibility that the baby would be so big that Dr. Davis would insist on delivering that day. And after all the convictions I have about waiting until the baby is ready to come, my resolve had reached it's limit. I woke up that morning in tears, and started packing the last few things for the hospital bag. I was taking it with me to my appointment, just in case. I was so done!!

Well, I went to the appointment determined to look pathetic...for once. Usually I'm all smiles, but I was hoping Dr. Davis would notice how miserable I was. Nope. We did the ultrasound, but Joey was just so big we could only get one shot! At least we could be assured he was still a boy, and his Daddy could walk a little taller! ;) But once again, the baby and I both looked great...so he bid me a quick goodbye, told me to make my six week appointment on the way out, and he'd see me on Monday morning. I managed to hold my tears in until we got to lunch where all of Chick-fil-A could see a ginormous pregnant woman crying into her cookies and cream milkshake. :)

38 Weeks

After that appointment, and once I had come out of my pit of despair, I knew there was nothing left to do but wait until Monday morning. I just knew, even with contractions happening every now and again, that my body was no where close to starting labor. So I enjoyed a lot of time on the couch with the kids playing "The Claire and Sophie Spa". :) This was my favorite thing! We'd watch Cupcake Wars while the three kids rotated from massaging my terribly swollen feet and ankles and playing with my hair. I reminded myself that I only had a few more opportunities to enjoy my afternoon naps on the couch with Johnny, so I made sure to fit in as many of those as I could. I ate what I wanted and cried when I wanted. 

 Finally, Saturday arrived. Only two more days of being pregnant! I woke up that morning from a not-so-restful night and the first thing on my mind was food. And I wanted to do something special with the last day we had to do something with just the older kids. I knew what I wanted to do...I wanted to go out to eat! And I wanted Moochie's!! Now, it was a virtual guarantee that it would give me the worst case of heartburn ever. But what did that matter? I wasn't sleeping anyway! Danny was totally on board with his idea. :) We had a lot to do though, since it was our last work day before the baby came. I needed to make sure all the laundry was done and the house was cleaned, and the kids all needed to be packed. This was quite the feat of organization, since Johnny would be spending most of the week at Danny's parents' house, but the girls would only be there for two nights. Then they would spend one night at Grandma Candy's before heading to Denver for Megan's wedding. We did all we could before dinner time, and got most everything done. The only thing left to do the next day was pack the kids. 

At 4:00 pm, we piled the kids in the car and headed out on our little family date. Our first stop was the cemetery...we wanted to visit Luke for a few minutes. With all the excitement of Joey coming in just over a day, there was a real sense of Luke missing. The kids mostly ran around, but Danny and I held each other for a little while at our youngest son's grave. There were tears...tears of sorrow and tears of anxiety about how our family was going to change. Again. But it never takes long for a sense of peace to come. And sense of knowing that all is exactly how it is supposed to be. 

Crying made me hungry, so we made our way to Moochie's. We didn't tell the kids where we were going for dinner, and they had quite a fun time trying to guess. When we pulled in, they were so excited! And no one had even thought of it, which made it all the cooler. :) We kind of went a little crazy, and ordered everything we like...a meatball sub, a philly cheesesteak sub, an Italian sausage and peppers sub, and a chicken parmesan sub. Oh, and a grilled cheese for Johnny and a couple sides of fries for the family to share. Then we ate family style, splitting all the sandwiches up so we could all have a little bit of what we wanted. I can't describe in words how delicious that meatball sub was!! A close second had to be the philly with their delicious jalapeño sauce on it. Like I said, I was willing to suffer the heartburn for one last amazing meal before I had to worry about upsetting the baby's tummy. We all ate our fill, and then some, and it was awesome!

Amazingly enough, I didn't get heartburn! Go figure. :) Sunday was a regular morning in that Danny went to meetings and the kids and I got ourselves to church. We did manage to get everyone packed that morning, so we would be ready to go right after dinner and drop the kids off at Grandma and Papa's. Church was full of people astonished that I was there the day before having a baby, and it wasn't the most comfortable three hours of the day. But I'm glad I went. I knew I'd be missing Sacrament Meeting for at least three weeks, and the whole block for longer than that. And I needed the extra dose of the Spirit. I was getting a bit anxious!

When Danny got home from meetings, we ate a quick dinner and then did blessings. Johnny wanted one, but the girls declined. And of course I wanted one. Danny gave me a beautiful blessing, and it put many of my fears to rest. I was once again blessed that I would have the support of the women in my life from the other side of the veil, including my Heavenly Mother. I was blessed to feel Luke's presence, but that my heart would not be sorrowful. I am so very grateful for Danny and his worthiness to hold the Priesthood, and for the way he exercises that great gift. I truly married a remarkable man.

Before I knew it, it was time to load the kids and the dog in the car and take them to Grandma and Papa's house. I printed out the itinerary for where everyone was supposed to be and when to give to Grandma, and we were off. I didn't even think to take a picture with the kids before we left!! But I did remember to take one last pregnancy picture. :)

39 Weeks!

Danny and I still had a handful of things to do before bed, and it ended up being kind of a late night. I wasn't quick to want to get to bed, as I knew it wouldn't be a restful night. We had to be out the door at 5:00 am, and I knew my anxiety and anticipation would keep me awake. I remember thinking a lot about Luke as we started closing down the house and getting ready for bed. Danny and I talked about our little guy, and how much we missed him. We cried, but once again that feeling of peace and reassurance was close behind.

And with that, we went to bed! My last night being pregnant. Ever. :)

April 2016 General Conference

One of the perks of being the bishop is getting first dibs on Conference tickets when they become available to our ward. With Claire being eight now, she was able to attend. Danny and I really wanted to take her together...but I was, how do you say? Ridiculously great with child. And honestly hoping for my water to break any minute! I was in no condition to walk through Temple Square and the Conference Center, and then sit for two-plus hours. I was seriously upset to miss Claire's first time seeing the Prophet in person...and Danny was willing to wait and take her another time. But I couldn't be selfish like that. So I stayed home with Sophie and Johnny and sent Danny and Claire on their way. Danny also took a couple of his priests with him, which was cool. Their tickets were for the Sunday morning session, so they got to be there for "Music and the Spoken Word". It was a great experience for Claire and Danny, and it was a good bonding opportunity for Danny and his priests.

Things were good at home for me and the other kids. I sat on the couch and listened to Conference, getting bigger by the minute. Sophie and Johnny were so good and worked on quiet activities so I could enjoy Conference. 

And just think...I'll be holding a baby in my arms during the next Conference!! I can hardly wait...