It's been six weeks since my last pregnancy post. Turns out, I'm just more pregnant! :) Time seems to be moving so slowly looking forward, but it's going by quickly when I look back. Time can be weird like that.
Let's see...a quick recap on the baby. He's still doing great by all accounts! I've had a couple appointments, and he's just getting bigger and bigger. At 31 weeks, he was measuring at 5 lbs 5 oz, and by the looks of him he was feeling pretty squished already. :)
My last appointment was 2 1/2 weeks ago, and he was laying sidewise which made it difficult to get a good read on his size. But the best measurement we got put him at 6 lbs 2 oz. He continues to move as he should, and his heart rate is nice and strong. And that's just about all there is to say about Joey right now!
Like I said, I just get more and more pregnant with each passing day. Obviously, that's literally true. But I also FEEL like I get more pregnant with each passing day. More so than I did with the other ones, I think. I'm definitely bigger this time around, at least I'm sticking out more than I did...and carrying lower. Now, whether that's a result of Joey's size or my lack of muscle tone from the other babies remains to be seen. But you can definitely see a difference between me at 33 weeks with Joey and me at 33 weeks with Lukey.
I'm all around experiencing more pain now than I have earlier in this pregnancy...or this early compared to the other children, if that makes sense. The baby dropped a couple of weeks ago, and that started the near constant pubic bone and cervical pain. The swelling in my feet has gotten worse, though I'm happily still wearing my wedding ring! I hardly sleep at night, and that has made life just all around difficult. It's also made me rather sensitive to all the comments people make about my size, or my waddle, or how exhausted I look. Then I see my reflection or look at a picture and honestly, I can't blame them. By 35 weeks, I couldn't decide which was getting bigger faster: my belly or the bags under my eyes!
As I mentioned in my last post, I was throwing Megan a bridal shower during the first weekend of March. All my nesting instincts were delayed until I was done with that. Well, it wasn't more than a few days after Jami, Lily, and Megan went home that the baby dropped. And with that (at least for a few days) came quite a few contractions. Enough that I woke up that Friday morning and panicked that I was going to have this baby early and I didn't have a single thing ready! Ok, that isn't entirely true...I had washed the diaper bag, car seat canopy, and a nursing cover. None of which would do me any good if I went into labor that afternoon! So first thing, Johnny and I headed out to buy nursing bras and nursing garments, since I figured those were the only things I couldn't send Danny out for after the baby was born. :) Then I spent all day Saturday sorting, washing, and folding the baby clothes, starting the hospital bag, and making a list of everything else I needed to do. By the middle of the following week, I had the baby equipment (car seat, bouncy seat, sleeper, etc) hauled upstairs to be cleaned and placed in its spot, everything ordered online that we needed, and the hospital called to verify my birth plan desires. And true to form, those "consistent" contractions ceased. I kind of figured that would be the case. :) But at least all the necessities are in place and ready to go!
With all the physical needs mostly prepared for, it leaves more time to think about what is actually going to happen. Lori asked me yesterday if I had hit "panic-mode" yet. An aunt of Danny's who had lost a child said that she hit that place when she was just weeks away from delivering her first child after their loss. And I have to say no, I'm not panicking at all. But when Jami asked me a few days ago what I was most excited about, I couldn't answer. Finally, after thinking about it for a minute, I decided I was most excited about watching the kids meet Joey for the first time. Kind of like after Luke died, I feel like I'm feeling nothing. I think I'm bracing myself for the torrent of emotion that Joey's birth will bring. I do worry about not appreciating him as his own person as much as seeing Luke through everything he does. And missing Luke more simply because Joey will be there and Luke will not. And because I know the veil will be thin, and I know Luke will be near. I think Danny's kind of in the same place. I dream about the baby a lot, but they are almost always stress dreams. I do daydream about what he'll look like...if he'll look more like Johnny with lots of dark hair or more like Luke...with less and lighter hair. :)
We definitely don't vacillate on his name anymore. A few weeks ago, Claire was looking up the meanings of everyone's names on her Kindle. When she looked up "Joseph" it said, "God will provide another son." We could hardly believe it! It couldn't fit him more perfectly. And that's what I try to remember when I either feel too much, or nothing at all. I do know this child is meant for our family, and meant to come now. I can't argue with that. And over the months I've been pregnant with him, my heart and spirit have softened. I can feel that Joey has a special place in our family, and I am excited to see what his relationship with me will be like. And I trust that Luke will help me navigate my grief through the process, and be ever patient with me like he has always been.
And tonight, I am 36 weeks. I am three weeks away (at most) until I am done being pregnant. And we are really done this time. We have a tubal scheduled with the section, since that seems to be the only reliable form of birth control left to us! :) I've struggled this whole pregnancy with that decision until these last few weeks. But I honestly don't think my body can handle another pregnancy, much less a SIXTH section. And as I've prayed about it, I become less and less worried about that I'm making the wrong decision.
Three weeks....three weeks of more growth! Can it be done? :)
