Weeks 32 & 33...and 34

Well, I'm going to be recapping the last three or so weeks in this post.  I really wish I was able to stay more on top of these posts!

Let me start by saying that I've hit the wall, my friends.  And that's not something recent to the last of these three weeks.  I've been struggling for most of the last three weeks.  I think this may officially be my most difficult pregnancy, and it's getting the best of me emotionally as well as physically.  I'm already so incredibly uncomfortable, and I know that Luke is just going to pack on the pounds at this point.  I have no idea where we're going to fit those additional pounds, but I'm sure we'll find a way!  I feel so "at my limit" every minute of the day that the smallest thing seems to leave me crying.  I've gained way too much weight, which I know has added to my discomfort.  It's just been all around stressful.

My last OB appointment, which was a week ago today, added insult to injury.  At least at first.  Up to that point, Dr. Davis seemed sure that Luke would be an average size and no where close to Johnny's whopping 11 pounds.  However, when this last ultrasound began, he kept commenting on how big Luke's head was already.  Like, five weeks ahead and ready for delivery big.  As the ultrasound proceeded, Luke looked great and as cute as ever...and as big as ever.  At the end of the appointment, Dr. Davis started talking about scheduling my section during the next appointment.  Apparently, he didn't remember our initial conversation about letting me wait for labor.  And now that he saw that Luke's weight was going to rival that of his brother's, he was none to fond of the idea of waiting.  I gently argued my point, but realized with every passing minute that it wasn't going to happen.  I was going to end up with a scheduled section.

I cannot begin to describe my feelings over the next 12 hours of so.  I was so torn.  And angry.  And disappointed.  And helpless.  I just felt like there was no way, after everything I've learned and everything I believe in (not to mention how vocal I've been over the last two years about my view on birth) that I could just go ahead and willingly schedule Luke's birth.  But on the other hand, I have literally no strength left to fight with my doctor.  And I don't want to.  He really is a great doctor, and he's been very kind to me, and I know that his concerns are coming from a valid place within his paradigm.  He's not trying to force me, nor do I get the feeling that he thinks I'm stupid for wanting to wait.  He just really is nervous about it.  I'm sure he's never delivered a baby as big as this from a woman with 3 previous sections of large babies in a five year period of time.  I also just don't want to take Luke too early.  Not before he's ready.  And how else will I really know if it's time until labor starts on its own?

Like I said, I was confused.  I was up all night worrying about what to do, and not making any headway.  Then I talked to Jami.  What would I do without such a wonderful older sister?  She made some really good points that I had to consider, and which brought me a great deal of peace.  She reminded me that life changes.  And sometimes things you feel so strongly about in one period of your life will simply no longer fit in another period of your life.  (With the exception of the doctrines of the gospel and the commandments, of course!)  She's going to through this same thing with her transition from six children to seven, and having a daughter graduating high school and leaving for college at the same time that she's dealing with a newborn and everything in between.  So, she wasn't just flapping her gums, here!  She helped me to realize that we're in a very unique situation right now.  Not having our own home really does add a measure of additional stress to having another baby, and I need to consider my mental health as well as that of my husband and children.  Danny has a very limited amount of time off with this new job, and I'm going to need his help in those first few days home.  AND...Claire turns five within a week of my due date and it's also Memorial Day weekend.  There is a lot more to this equation than what I was considering at the time.

So after a great deal of thought, prayer, and soul searching, we've decided that for Luke, we're going to schedule his birth.  I've gone to the Lord with my most heart-felt pleadings that he'll make sure my little guy is ready, or even better, he'll get him ready early and I'll get the best of both worlds!  But mostly, I feel at peace with the idea that I can best prepare myself, my family, and our environment to make Luke's birth and his first week or so at home as perfect and stress-free as I can.  

Just like my journey with John, I'm learning so much about myself and about the process of bringing my babies here.  I'm learning about how the Lord teaches me, and how much humbling I still need.  It looks as though I have about 5 weeks from today, give or take a day, until I will meet my son.  I can hardly wait, and for so many reasons.  Even with how difficult life has been with the pregnancy, I'm so humbled and grateful that I get to do it again.  It truly is a miracle.