Oh, Joseph. You're one year old now! I am simultaneously joyful and broken-hearted about that. I'm so full of joy for you...for all the adventures and fun and learning ahead of you! But I'm broken-hearted for me because you aren't my baby anymore.
It is so hard to explain in words how my heart hurts with the passing of this stage. But I'll try. :) When I found out I was pregnant with you, I wasn't exactly thrilled. For years while Luke was sick, I felt so strongly that we had another baby waiting for us. But your Dad was feeling very strongly that we were done. After Luke died...in fact, just the day after he died, I was driving to drop off your Dad's suit at the dry cleaners for the funeral. And that feeling I had felt so strongly for all those years was just gone. I even felt what I thought was a spiritual confirmation that we were done. We would raise Claire, Sophie, and Johnny and wait to be reunited with Luke. And I felt very okay with that. In the months following Luke's death, your Dad and I revising the subject of having another baby often. But we always felt like we were done. So we did our best to move forward with our life. And then, right when life got crazy again with your Dad starting school and being called to be the bishop, I found out I was pregnant. I didn't take the news well! I covered a lot of what happened next in my pregnancy posts, but suffice it to say I eventually came around to the idea and even got excited. But even then, I had no idea how much I needed you and what a gift you would be to me.
Joey, you have brought so much joy to our family! You haven't replaced Luke, and we've always known that you wouldn't. But you have filled us in a way we didn't know we were empty. From the very first day you came to me, you have soothed my heart. At first, there were times that holding you made me ache for Luke so badly. So terribly badly, as it brought to my remembrance what it felt like to have Luke in my arms. But I never ever wanted you to be Luke. And in those times that my heart was breaking for your brother, I was so grateful for you and the help you were giving to me. Helping me remember, and helping me grieve. As it would turn out, I haven't been terribly good at that. :) Joseph, you are living, breathing testimony that the Lord wants better for me than I want for myself. I am so grateful for that!
You have been the easiest baby! You have always had such bright eyes, and a smile that lights up your whole face. You have always had a strong preference for me, and I needed that so badly. I had an experience about half way through my pregnancy with you...shortly after we found out you were going to be a boy. I kept getting the feeling that I knew you, and that I knew your personality. I knew you'd be a little imp; mischievous and attention-seeking...but way too cute to ever get into any real trouble. :) For those first 6 or 7 months, I wondered if I had been wrong. You were so easy-going! But then you started to show your personality and as it would turn out, I had it right to the "t"! You are such a ham, and have brought so much laughter into our home. Especially while we are reading scriptures...you seem to know you have a captive audience. :)
Having you so long after your siblings has been a different experience for me. With the older four, there were just a lot of babies and toddlers around! I'm afraid I didn't get to savor the experience with each of them like I have with you. And to be fair, I always knew we'd be having more kids and with you I know I won't. You have been my sunshine...you never do anything wrong! ;) That's definitely part of why I mourn the passing of this baby stage. You'll start being naughty and I'm going to be responsible for teaching you right and wrong and helping you reach your divine potential. It's so much easier to just feed you, nap you, and play with you! :) But I do look forward to seeing all the great things you'll do, and the great man I know you'll become.
Joey, thank you for coming to me even when I didn't think I needed or even wanted you. You filled my arms again, but more importantly you opened my heart again. Heavenly Father knew I needed your spirit to help me continue forward after losing your brother. I think you knew it too. And I have a sense that our family, in the life before this one, knew we would need each other. Your spot in our family won't always be an easy one, as your older brother and sisters will always be so far ahead of you. There will be so many years after Johnny leaves the house that it will just be you and us. And honestly, you'll always be intertwined with Luke. And I can anticipate that there will be times that that all will be hard for you. So in case a time ever comes that you don't understand your place in this crazy family and life of ours, I will be here to always remind you of the gift you are to me. I'll help to soften your heart and guide you back to your Heavenly Father, just like you have done for me during this last year.
I love you, my sweet Poseph. My beautiful boy. It's so hard to say goodbye to my baby, but I'm so excited to see you grow! And no matter how grown up you get, you'll always be my baby. Happy Birthday, Joseph!! I love you!!
Love,
Mom
No comments:
Post a Comment