Luke's Anniversary

Two years. Two years since Luke moved on. Time just keeps moving forward, simultaneously moving us farther away and closer to our boy. 

This year wasn't as hard for me as it was last year. It was an interesting experience this year. First off, Joey turned the same age Luke was the day he was diagnosed on the 6th...yesterday. That was surprisingly hard for me. I could see how much we had missed with Luke before we even heard the word "cancer". Joey is just so much more lively than I remember Luke being at this age. Which totally makes sense! But it still hurts my heart.

I woke up in the morning with the hymn "I'll Go Where You Want Me to Go" running through my head. A sense of peace accompanied the song...almost a lightness of heart. And I instantly felt guilty. Wouldn't a loving mother be falling apart?! Isn't that what I'm supposed to do? And I had the neatest experience. I felt like Luke was right there, and he taught me a lesson. The thought came to me that today, the anniversary of Luke's death, is just like any other day. I miss him the same amount today that I do any other day. My love for him isn't any more or any less today. And the only reason I would cry more today than any other day of missing him is because I let myself. There's an excuse to let the walls down and the pain in. But if I don't feel the need to do that, then that's fine! Another day will come, and the tears will be there because the love and the longing is always there. It was such a clear epiphany for me that I just smiled to myself. The guilt went away and I felt that peace again. The same peace I felt the day I married Danny. Pure, heavy, unadulterated peace. 

I thought about the hymn that was in my mind upon waking. I remember feeling strongly that I wanted that hymn as a part of Luke's funeral. When I think of it, I think of it in both of our voices. Luke was willing, from before he came to earth, to do what the Lord wanted him to do...never mind the suffering he would endure. This hymn is his anthem! But it is my prayer. My prayer that I can always do what the Lord wants me to do. That I will willingly and without bitterness go where He wants me to go. That I'll always have the courage to say what He wants me to say. And that I will be humble and meek enough, through the trials of this mortal life, to be who He wants me to be.

So this anniversary was easier on me...but it was harder for Danny. Last year, he was a new bishop, still in school, and had a puking pregnant wife. He was more than a little distracted. :) But his year life is a lot more calm, and it gave him more time to think and feel. He misses Luke so much. He had, and has, such a unique and close relationship with our son. He took the day off of work and just stayed home with me and Joey. There weren't many tears, but there were a few.

When the kids got home, we went to pick up flowers and made our way to the cemetery. It was a beautiful evening! We enjoyed some time together as a family and talked about our Lukey.

It was particularly important for Johnny that we were there at Lukey's Place. He loves going to the cemetery, but this was extra important for him. He felt like finally all the brothers were together! Johnny misses Luke so much. Aside from Danny and I, I think Johnny feels Luke's absence the most.

And with that, we went home. Danny and I were aware of the time, just like last year, as the evening wore on. And when 7:30 pm rolled around, Danny and I stood in the kitchen and just held each other for a few minutes. Remembering the moment that Luke left us, but mostly remembering all the moments he was here with us. 

We miss you so much, Luke! We love you more every day, despite the seeming distance between us. We're one year closer to being together, and never separated again.