One Last Birth Story

Joseph Perry Call

April 11, 2016

7:58 am

12 lbs 0 oz

22 inches

Head Circumference: 38.5 cm

It had been a short night when the alarm went off at 4:00 am. I was nervous, but ready to do this thing. Danny and I got showered and finished putting the last few items in the hospital bag. We made it to the hospital right at 5:30 am, got checked in, and shown to our room. I changed into my lovely hospital gown, got hooked up to the monitors, received my IV, and took some pre-surgery meds...which were awful. Especially on an empty stomach, and without any water to wash them down! But I manage to not throw up, so that was a success. :) 

As we waited for my surgery time, which was scheduled for 7:30 am, we just sat and chatted with the nurses. I vacillated between really, REALLY nervous to surprisingly calm. My Mom showed up just a little bit before they were ready to take me back, and I was comforted to know that even if Danny and the baby couldn't stay with me that she'd be there when I was out of surgery. But hopefully we'd all arrive together. I was looking forward to the new c-section protocols that allowed Danny and the baby to stay with me while they closed me up. I wouldn't be away from Joey for any time at all, provided all was well. I've never been able to stay with my babies (or had them stay with me) so I was pretty excited about that! Hopefully this would be my best birth experience yet.

It was right about 7:30 am when they told me it was time to have my baby! Danny got his gown on, and we took one last picture before we were parents of five!

I was grateful once again that at McKay-Dee, they allow Danny to stay with me as I receive my spinal block. I hate that part! This anesthesiologist was awesome, though, and I hardly felt a thing. And within a minute or so I really couldn't feel a thing! :) And then it was time. I don't remember being any more nervous this time than any of the others. I remember taking a deep breath and gathering my strength, forcibly calming my nerves, as Dr. Davis got started. But it didn't take long before I started to fall apart. All I remember was telling Danny over and over again that it hurt. But I can't remember what exactly hurt, just that I didn't like what I was feeling. I apparently got a dose of Versed from the anesthesiologist, but that just made me panic more when I started to not be able to focus my eyes. I kept crying out to Danny, and he kept telling me to close my eyes. I lost a little bit of time, and then I remember Danny telling me that the baby was almost here. I remember the intense pressure of them pushing on my abdomen and then the following relief of tension when my baby was born. I didn't have to wait to hear my boy cry. Joseph immediately started crying with a strong, loud cry...and then the tears of relief started. I had some clarity in that moment, and I remember feeling immense gratitude that he was here. And I remember thinking about Luke, and that added to the tears. Not in a painful way, more in a cathartic way. I noticed all the comments of how big he was, how much hair he had, and how big his head was. But I didn't get to see him. Then I heard how big he was. Twelve pounds!! That announcement sure had everyone talking! Dr. Davis laughed as he said that was record breaking baby for him, both in weight and in head circumference. I remember feeling a perverse kind of pride in that. :) As I listened to my son's strong cry, I started to relax a bit. But with that relaxation came something else. Nausea. My sweet husband got to sit by my face and hold a bag to my mouth while I repeatedly threw up. They gave me another anti-emetic through my IV, and that's when they gave Joseph to Danny. He tried to show me the baby, but I couldn't get my eyes to focus. I couldn't see my baby. Even as I write this, my heart breaks again. All I remember is a dark fuzzy circle that was his head, but I didn't kiss him. I didn't tell him hello, and tell him how excited I was to finally meet him. My son didn't hear his mother tell him how much she loved him in his first few moments in this world. And I'll never get those moments back.

I continued to be sick, and Danny was left to balance a 12 lb baby in one arm and a throw-up bag in the other. A nurse finally came over and asked if we would like her to take Joey to the nursery. It only goes to show how NOT okay I was that I begged Danny to stay with me. Usually, I have that "mama bear" instinct to make sure my baby isn't with strangers. Being on the other side of things, I can't remember what the deal was...why I was having such a hard time. After another couple doses of Versed, I finally fell asleep for a while. It seemed like the surgery took a lot longer than the other ones. We were doing the tubal along side the c-section, but the way Dr. Davis had talked it wasn't supposed to add more than a couple of minutes to the surgery. I remember Danny saying, "uterus of steel", and apparently that was the point in which my uterus was lying on my stomach. It still freaks me out that Danny saw my guts! I remember the pain that came when they put my uterus back (not so gently), and then I don't remember anything after that until I was back in my room. Apparently Danny and Joey walked in with me, and my Mom was there waiting. But I don't remember. I honestly don't even remember when Danny first handed Joey to me. I'm so grateful my Mom was there and got the pictures I wanted! I do vaguely remember nursing Joey for the first time. I couldn't sit up at all, so I was still on my back when Danny and the nurse positioned him on my breast for me. He latched on like a champ! And that's all I remember...

Now that I think about it, I remember what the drug Versed is all about. I causes a sort of amnesia for the event. It's the drug Luke got during the time he was intubated in the PICU. It's the drug that Sophie and Johnny had during their dental work, given to them for the express purpose of making them forget the experience so they wouldn't be traumatized and hate the dentist forever after. And that's what I got during my last birth experience. If I had the choice, I would have opted for the pain to keep my memories. As I'm writing, I realize this isn't a beautiful, happy birth story. I usually try to put a happy spin on things for this family history of ours. But I can't seem to do that with this one. During my pregnancy with Johnny, in preparation for our home birth, I gained a testimony of birth. I'm passionate about it, and it hurts my heart greatly that I'll never experience it the way it's supposed to be. I am grateful for modern obstetrics...otherwise I don't know that I would have survived childbirth. Definitely not these big boys of mine. But Joey's birth was the hardest one for me, and the worse experience I've had. I didn't think it could get harder than Luke's, but Joey's was much, much worse. And that wound is deeper than the rest, because it's my last one. I won't have another baby, and a chance to have that magical experience. I, of all people, should appreciate the fact that I had a healthy baby...so who cares how he got here? Well, I do. Though that doesn't diminish my gratitude for the safe arrival of my big, beautiful baby boy.

My first memory of Joey took place at some point while I was in that first room, before being moved to my recovery room. Danny was sitting with Joey in his arms, showing me his face. I could finally focus my eyes, and I saw how much hair he had. That was significant to me, because I didn't know if he'd have much hair or not. The older three did, but Luke didn't. And Joey? Well, Joey had more hair than any of them...and by quite a bit! I remember looking at his face and commenting to Danny that I didn't know who he looked like, and Danny agreed. We both said, kind of at the same time, that he was his own kid. :) 

I can't imagine it took long before we were moved to my recovery room. We ended up with the room in the far corner of our unit, all by our lonesomes, thanks to a dear friend who works there and wanted us to have a nice, quiet room. :) I only have sketchy memories of the first few hours there, and what I do remember involves a lot of pain. Apparently, Dr. Davis knew from my time in surgery that I was going to be in quite a bit of pain, and so he had ordered a PCA for my pain management. All I remember is Danny setting an alarm so that I could press the button just as soon as it unlocked. It took the edge off, but I was still in quite a bit of pain.

We had planned for Angela (our photographer friend) to meet us at the hospital before the kids showed up so that we could capture that moment when they first met their littlest brother. But I was in no condition for visitors or pictures, so we asked that she try coming back another day. After I was moved to my recovery room, my Mom had left to go pick up Johnny from the preschool and check the girls out of school. Sometime in the early afternoon, I remember hearing my oldest children's excited voices outside my room as Grandma Candy tried to shush them a bit. They were so excited! I remember Johnny was out in front as they made their way in the room, and all three of them went straight to the chair Danny was sitting in with our precious Joey.

After Johnny had taken a look, he came over to make sure I was alright. He had been nervous for me to have the surgery. That boy is my boy, through and through. :) I remember feeling comforted by Johnny coming to hold my hand. 

My moment with Johnny didn't last long, after all, the kids were there to see Joey! They were all instantly in love with him, and couldn't get enough of him. Something fell into place for them now that they had another baby brother to care for and protect. I don't know that they've known it, but I think they've all felt a vacancy in that regard since Luke died. It just felt right for them to have a little brother to love on again.

The kids stayed for a while, but eventually it was time for them to head back to Grandma Candy's until Grandma and Papa picked them up to spend the night at their house. I don't remember most of the time they spent there, as I was still in a lot of pain and on a lot of morphine and honestly only semi-conscious most of the time! I remember not being able to keep my eyes open sometimes, and just falling asleep. Again, so grateful my Mom and Danny had the presence of mind to get the pictures I wanted!

It was early evening when Grandma, Papa, and Aunt Julie were able to make it to the hospital to meet Joey. I remember very, very little of their visit. Come to find out, I didn't have anyone take any pictures! Luckily, Grandma got a good one of Papa holding Joey for the first time. My kids are lucky to have such a loving Papa! And Grandma, Papa, and Aunt Julie were all equally smitten with our newest arrival.

Once they left it was just about the end of the day. I was still really struggling with the pain, and I don't remember holding Joey much at all. I remember asking Danny to take at least one picture with me and Joey together...if I had had ANY idea how beat up I looked, I might have waited on that picture! :) As it is, it really does capture what Joey's birth day was like for the two of us. We had both been through quite a bit together, and we were chubby and tired. :)

This has been a hard post for me to write. My heart has broken again and again as I relived the experience. I don't know why it had to be so hard. I don't know why I didn't get the experience I had been hoping for. But I do know this: Danny and I made another incredible child. We have such beautiful children! And my Joseph is mine. He's my son. And I'm so happy to be his mother! I wish it could have gone differently, but if I had to I'd do it again to get him here. 

Happy Birth Day, Joey!! Welcome to the Fam!