Playing Catch-up With #5

Well, I have spent the better part of the last year or more trying to catch up on blogging. I rarely actually post something current! And this post is not different. I have been trying to get this post up for almost 10 weeks!

It's old news now, but we're pregnant with Baby Number Five! And it was quite a surprise to us when we found out. It was August 15th when I took a pregnancy test and was blown away when it was positive. Well, mostly blown a way. Obviously, I had some suspicions. :) But it was so unlikely! I had an IUD that had been in and checked multiple times over the previous 18 months, and Danny and I had repeatedly felt like our family was complete. Apparently, we were wrong. :)

I've always strived for honesty when I write our family history. So, I'll be honest. I can't say I was exactly happy to be pregnant! There was so much going on in our life. Danny had just started a master's program a month before, and two weeks earlier had been called and set apart as the Bishop of our ward! I had just lost 30 lbs that I had worked very hard to get rid of, and was still a ways from my goal. I was busy with our older children and was hoping to get them more involved in extracurricular activities. And on top of all of that, Luke hadn't even been gone a year yet. It was NOT a good time to have a baby! 

For a few days, I wrestled with the knowledge that everything was going to change in our life...and then I started feeling sick. And I just got sicker and sicker. You would think after four babies, my body would have adjusted or something. But no! I was sicker with this baby than I have been with any of the others. Our life came to a grinding halt as Danny struggled to keep up with school and learn and attend to his responsibilities as a bishop. The kids started school, and the Relief Society started bringing in dinners almost every night of the week. I was completely incapacitated, and it was awful! But the worse part was how it left me undistracted from a lot of emotions I had not dealt with. I can't decide which was more unpleasant, the nausea and vomiting or the anger and tears. 

I thought about Luke a lot as I laid on the couch day in and day out. I thought about how this baby was going to change his place in our family, and I resented that. I worried about how I would bond with another baby when I felt like in order to survive I had stopped feeling anything. I was so angry that Heavenly Father would do this to me! If He wanted us to have another baby, couldn't he have just told us in the temple or something? We would have listened! I resented so much that this happened TO me, on top of everything else that seemed to just keep coming to our family. At what point were we going to be allowed to rest?! Like I said, things were pretty ugly for those first weeks. I'm somewhat ashamed to say I did NOT handle things very well.

Finally, after two weeks or so of being sicker than I had ever been, I told my OB I needed something...ANYTHING...to help me function. I have never taken anything for my morning sickness with the other children. But Danny and I felt like we had no choice. Luckily, my doctor offered me something new but that I was already familiar and comfortable with. A drug called "Diclegis" was a newly formulated prescription of Vitamin B6 and Unisom. While my symptoms didn't disappear by any means, that drug made all the difference in the world! And as the physical discomfort started to ease a bit, I was able to focus on where I was emotionally and spiritually. Danny and I talked at length about me finding a counselor to help me through my anger and hurt. But I felt in my heart that I knew what the problem was. And it wasn't anything a counselor was going to fix for me.

I didn't trust Heavenly Father anymore. I felt betrayed by Him. And because of my hurt and anger, I had distanced myself so much from Him and from my Savior that I was incapable of dealing with my life and my feelings. I spent a lot of tearful nights talking with my incredible husband, and many days spent having conversations with Luke when no one was around to hear me. And I slept. A lot. Never in my life have I been a napper, but during this time I slept anywhere from 1-2.5 hours every afternoon. I think my body was finally done after everything I had been through over the last 4 years. Slowly, I started to regain my strength (and my weight!) and my soul started to heal a bit. And I felt prompted that I needed to start reading my scriptures and saying my prayers every morning. I've never been very good about scripture study. For as smart as I feel like I am, I've always found the task daunting and confusing! I never know where to start or if I'm doing it right. But I humbled myself enough to know I needed my relationship with my Heavenly Father back. I needed Him! And I didn't know what else to do. So while my offering was meager at best, I kept with it. 

Over the course of a week or two, I started to notice a difference. I started to see the silver lining in things. And I started to sense a purpose behind this pregnancy, and why it was happening now. I felt that the Lord knew, in his infinite wisdom and love for me, that I was NOT handling my loss of Luke very well. I was coping wonderfully, but I wasn't learning and changing like I needed to. And I had no intention of doing so, as I knew it would take me through a wilderness of pain and confusion that I didn't want to deal with. My plan was to just stay so busy that I wouldn't have time. But a baby? Well, that would stop me for sure! My body and my soul needed time to heal, and this baby was going to be the vehicle for that. I even started to feel a bit excited.

And I was sure we were having a girl. I WANTED to have a girl! I've never cared in the past what gender our baby was, but this time I did. I needed it to be a girl, as it would make so many things easier when dealing with missing Luke so much. A girl wouldn't take his place, or look like him, or remind me of everything we wouldn't experience with Luke in this life. And we had the most beautiful name...Olivia Grace. And we'd call he Livy. I dreamed about her, day and night. I even started talking to her! And it made my heart happy to think of her.

October 18th-14 weeks pregnant

On October 20th, I had an appointment with my OB. I was 14 weeks pregnant. I knew there was a possibility that we would find out what we were having that day, as I always get a routine ultrasound. But we'd only find out if we were having a boy. As we were waiting in the office, I started to feel more and more nervous that we were indeed having a boy. As Dr. Davis put the ultrasound wand against my stomach, the first image popped up and he immediately said, "Well, you're having a boy!" I can't say I was surprise. Or disappointed. I honestly don't know how I felt. Surreal, maybe? We finished the appointment, and Danny and I decided to get a little treat before he headed back to work. We drove separate to the appointment, so this gave me just a few minutes alone. And I spent it crying. I don't think they were tears of disappointment, because I was smiling. I think it was that I felt Luke, and his excitement and approval. And it just felt right in my heart, even though my mind still struggled with the thought of another boy. 

Danny and I enjoyed a donut together before he headed back to work, and I made my way to Target. I wanted to do some kind of fun "reveal" for the kids. I've never had kids old enough to care before, so this was going to be fun. :) And I needed to buy something to get excited about a boy when my heart had been so set on a girl. I knew Target always kept BYU baby stuff in stock, so a few minutes later I walked out with $50 worth of baby boy BYU clothes. And I was feeling better already! :)

I got home and made up some gift bags that the kids could open when Daddy got home, and posted on Facebook and Instagram (as well as texting family) that the reveal would be happening that afternoon. I have to admit, I was having fun!

When the girls got home from school and saw the gift bags, Johnny and I told them that they are going to find out what we were having...but they had to wait until Daddy got home. That was a very long wait for the kids! But finally he got home, and the big reveal was underway... :)

Claire was the first to realize what her gift bag meant, and she exclaimed that it was a boy. She was followed by Sophie and then by Johnny...at which point Sophie started jumping up and down and yelling, "It's a boy! It's a boy! I'm so excited it's a boy!" It brought tears to my eyes to see how excited every was. And then they all ran and gave Danny a hug. Don't ask why it wasn't me...I'm the one making the baby! :)

We told the children that we were thinking of the name "Joseph Perry" for a boy, and we'd call him "Joey". We didn't realize that once we told the kids, the decision would be made. :) Johnny loves to talk to Joey, and ask me how he's doing in my tummy. Johnny can't wait to meet his little brother.

It didn't take me long to come around to the idea of having another boy. And as the weeks moved forward, I started to have a sense of who this little boy will be. I don't know if I've gotten better at sensing those on the other side of the veil since Luke has been gone, or if this spirit just wants me to know who he is, but I feel like I'm getting to know him already. That has been such a tender mercy to me.

November 29-20 weeks pregnant

As of today, I am now 22 weeks along. More than half way! I'm not longer sick (thank goodness!), but I feel rather large and uncomfortable already. I worry about where I'll be when I'm ready to deliver, and if I'll be able to move under my own control! :) I'm not going to lie, I'm really hating being pregnant right now. But I have experienced a huge shift in my spirituality during the course of this pregnancy. And I can honestly say I can't wait to me my little Joseph. I know he's coming to our family exactly when he was supposed to, and I feel like he's going to be a very special and integral part of the healing process for our family. Do I worry about him looking like Luke, or taking his place, or pushing our family forward and us leaving Luke behind? Yes. Yes I do. Very much so sometimes! But in the quiet moments, when I'm sitting still and feeling him move around inside of me, I don't worry. Maybe he'll be a way we feel Luke closer. Danny and I are very curious to see what kind of relationship the two of them will have with Luke on the other side of the veil. And for as angry as I was that Heavenly Father didn't just TELL me when needed to have another baby, I think I understand now why He didn't. I had absolutely NO idea how closed off to the Spirit I had become. How angry I was, and how far that anger kept me from my Father in Heaven. Who knows, maybe He did try to tell me! But I think He didn't bother. I think He knew I couldn't hear him, but trusted me to get there. And He knew, in His infinite love and wisdom, that even though a pregnancy right now was going to be REALLY difficult, it was the best way to help me heal. And I am. I'm healing and I'm learning day by day. I'm learning to trust Him. To trust that somehow this is going to make me and my family even stronger. That this is a way for me to learn, once again, to rely on Him...as I know I can't do this alone.  

I know that each of my children are a precious gift to ME, and they teach me so much. And I know that Joey will be the same way. He is a very special gift to me already, and I love him for it. I'm so grateful for him, and for Claire and Sophie and Johnny and Lukey. And for my amazing husband, who I literally couldn't do this without. I feel so fortunate to have a man by my side who is always happy to hear I'm having another one of his babies. :) 

I can't promise I'll be nearly as good at documenting this pregnancy as I have been with the other two boys. Sorry, but life is crazy and this is number five! But I'll do my best. :) Hopefully there will be at least a few posts before Joey makes his grand entrance into the world!