The Lord's Hand

Sometimes, every so often, something incredible happens and you absolutely know you're seeing the Lord's hand in your life. That happened for our family, and for me specifically, during our epic road trip. Now a disclaimer before I launch into the stories: this makes total sense in my head! All of it. But I'm stringing together a few completely separate events, so bear with me when this seems to bounce all over the place. :)

I'll start with my experiences in Nauvoo. I wrote a bit about it while documenting our time there, but in order for this to all make sense in the end I'm going to rehash it here. Danny and I started out our trip with a bit of heaviness in our hearts. We missed Luke. It's so hard to make these incredible family memories knowing that he's not here. Now, I've heard so many times since Luke passed away that he's aware of us and what we're doing here, and that he'll be able to share in these memories with us when we're together again. I always appreciated the attempt at comfort that those words brought, but they never really resonated with me. Would Danny and I, and Luke, just magically forget that he WASN'T here for any of these memories? Or does he somehow magically get photoshopped into our memories? I don't mean to be cynical, though I probably am totally being cynical. It's more that I just really couldn't get around the fact that nothing was going to change that Luke won't be a part of our family's memories of mortality. Period. This was on my mind a fair amount during that first day of driving through Wyoming, but I've gotten fairly practiced at not letting those thoughts and the longing for Luke take too much purchase in my mind. The pain is too much to bear, and we were on vacation for goodness' sake! So I didn't think much more about it.

Then in Nauvoo, first thing on our first day there, during Sacrament Meeting there is an impromptu musical number by a member of the popular musical group "Gentri". And he sang "How Great Thou Art"...the song from Luke's funeral and the focus of Danny's incredible funeral talk. Both Danny and I let the tears fall during that song as we felt not only the Lord's love, but Luke's presence near us. It was the first way we saw the Lord's hand in our lives during this trip.

The magic of Nauvoo didn't stop there, however. I was overcome during my time there by this sense of time overlapping. That's the best way I can think of to describe the sensation. It felt like I was seeing everything there through different eyes than I've seen anything else before. It really felt to me like I could see the Saints while they lived there. I could feel them there...their love of the Lord and His gospel, their love of family, and the happiness they felt during their time in Nauvoo. But I was still seeing the land for my first time, and noticed the modern enhancements and embellishments. I saw my children running around and the cars in parking lots that didn't exist in the 1840s. These two distinct time periods were happening at the same time for me, and somehow...even though the Saints and I were occupying the same space hundreds of years apart...becoming one memory. I had the sensation of creating and experiencing a shared memory with complete strangers that now felt like family. Again, I feel like words completely fail me in trying to relate the experience I had. I'll never forget it. At the time, I chalked it up to the amazing spirit of Nauvoo, and I thanked the Lord that He was helping me to gain a much-needed testimony and love for the early Saints. 

Now we have to fast-forward to our time in Georgia, and specifically to graduation day. My older sister Jami and her family moved to Georgia about ten months ago, and it has been a big adjustment for all of us to have them so far away. I'm very close to Jami and her family, and had spent many months between various semesters at BYU living with them in their home in Parker, CO. Some of my best memories of my life are living there, and it's always felt like another home to me. I wondered if I would feel the same way in Jami's new home and in her new life. It didn't take long for me to feel like this new house was still home to me. It was home because it had my sister and my brother-in-law and my beloved nieces and nephews there. I know, it sounds totally "duh"...but it was a deeper realization than words can convey. It was a spiritual realization. That wherever my sister was, it would be home. And even though the memories we shared were in a different place, they would follow us wherever we went. 

Anyway...(I told you this would be a bit jumbled)...back to graduation day. Jami's family became fast-friends with the bishop's family of their new ward, the Damianos. They have a son that is the same age as Natalia, and was graduating from the same school. So they decided to share the celebratory dinner together at a Mexican restaurant called Chuy's. All the adults ended up sitting together, though that wasn't how it originally was. For some reason, all the seats got shifted around and the adults ended up together. I ended up sitting next to Tiffany Damiano, the bishop's wife. I remember there being a distinct lull, and I felt prompted to ask her where she was from. She told me she had grown up in California, and then she asked Danny and I where we were from. The following conversation ensued:

Danny and I: "We're living in Syracuse, Utah"

Tiffany: "No way! We used to live in Syracuse...right off the golf course."

Us: "We live right off the golf course!"

Tiffany: "Seriously?! Yeah, we were on Prestwick Drive..."

Us: "Uh...we live on Prestwick Drive..."

Tiffany: "We lived at (some number) Prestwick Drive>"

Danny (looking confused): "There is no (some number) on Prestwick Drive..."

Tiffany: "Yeah, it was the cute tan stucco rambler on the little elbow cul-de-sac..."

Me: "That's our house!"

Danny: "3842 Prestwick Drive?"

Tiffany: "Yes, that's it! We built that house!"

Seriously. Now, to be perfectly honest, that conversation probably isn't exactly verbatim. But it's darned close! We sat there looking at each other in complete disbelief. Jeff and Jami sat back with their arms folded in stunned silence. The chances are astronomical that we would meet the people that built our house, and much less that they'd be friends with my sister in GEORGIA! I think Danny, Tiffany, and I talked about a thousand words a minute for the rest of dinner. We learned all about how our house was the Damiano's miracle house. Tiffany was the general contractor, and they did as much of the work as they could on their own. They built the house with $800 in the bank, earning their 20% down by what they saved by being their own contractor. They saw miracle after miracle building this house, including but not limited to not only meeting the building deadline...but finishing two weeks early. Jared and Tiffany had decided from the get-go that no work would be done on the house on the Sabbath, and they stuck to their guns. Tiffany knows that because they kept the Sabbath Day holy, and made sure anyone they hired did as well, that they finished early and passed all their inspections. I sat there, remembering how I felt when we walked into the house for the first time. Danny and I loved it immediately...but honestly it wasn't exactly the floor plan we had wanted. And there were things that probably would have been deal-breakers in other houses that I didn't notice or didn't care about. It felt like home the minute we walked in. In fact, Danny sat at a table (one of the only pieces of furniture in the house) and picked where he would sit at dinner and I started dusting off counters and picking weeds in the front bed. Our realtor knew we'd found the one, finally, after walking through more than 30 homes. And now I know why! Every inch of this home was literally built with love and faith. 

After the first five minutes of frenzied conversation, Tiffany turns to Jami and said..."Wait...you re-did MY bedroom!". Jeff and Jami had already shared the story with the Damianos of when they came to re-do our bedroom the week or so before Luke died. It was just crazy. We sat and talked about every inch of the house, sharing what we loved about it. Coolest. Dinner. Ever.

So that was on Tuesday, and we continued to marvel over the seeming-coincidence throughout the week. We were heading out to Florida on Sunday, but not before we went to church. It was Fast and Testimony Meeting that day, and Tiffany was the first one to the pulpit. She bore her testimony about meeting Danny and I, and how she felt knowing that a home that was such a miracle to her and her family continued to be a miracle in the lives of others. And how she knew that the Lord was mindful of her, and that bringing us together was a way of letting her know that He loved her. It was awesome.

Then a little bit into the meeting, I was surprised to see Jami get up and head to the pulpit. Jami bore her testimony about how this move to Georgia had been very difficult for her family, but how they knew even though they didn't necessarily love their home that they were exactly where they should be. Then she went on to say how much it meant to her to know that a home that had been so sacred for me and my family had been a sacred home to the Damianos. Again, that the Lord is in the details on our lives. It was while I was listening to Jami bear her testimony that all the pieces fell into place for me. I felt myself getting up to head to the pulpit myself, before I realized what I was doing and definitely before I had figured out what to say!

First I bore my testimony of my experiences in Nauvoo. I felt safe to confess (since I wasn't the bishop's wife in this ward!) that I have always had a problem with the pioneers. Or, to be more precise, my lack of pioneer heritage. :) But I bore my testimony of how my heart was changed during my time in Nauvoo and especially Carthage. And I attempted to explain that "layering of time" that I experienced while I was there. I explained the realization I had spending time in Jami's new home, and the feeling of "being home" that I felt there...even though it was my first time making memories there. And then I told them what Jami meant by the Damiano's home being a sacred place for me and my family. I briefly told Luke's story, and told of all the miracles we saw while living in our home. And then I told how Luke passed away in our home, and how precious and sacred that experience was to us. 

I then attempted to relate how all these different events and experiences came together for me just minutes before while I was sitting with the congregation. How I received an answer to a prayer I never expected to have answered in this life. In the smallest of ways, I understood how it is going to be when we are reunited with Luke. I think it will feel a lot like Nauvoo felt for me. Even though Luke wasn't physically present at the times we were making these memories as a family, he very well could be occupying the same space in the Spirit World. We know that the Spirit World is here, and that our loved ones are very aware and invested in our lives. Like in Nauvoo when I felt I was having a shared experience and creating new but shared memories with those Saints, I think we'll feel the same way with Luke. We'll share the memories and the feelings, like they are layered on top of one another, and we will share them as one experience. It was the same feeling when Tiffany and I were talking about "our" house. I could see her raising her little kids here, where they slept and where they played...because I am raising my kids here. Even though it's been fourteen years since the Damianos were in our home, and even though she was a complete stranger just days before, we are forever connected by the love in this home. It's the love that makes a home, and anyone we share that love with becomes family; becomes part of this shared experience of mortality. But even though we will have been apart from Luke for almost all our mortal experience, we will feel at home and "one" with Luke when we are together again...just like I felt in Jami's new home. We will still share all these experiences, even though we weren't together for them. It made me realize what heaven will feel like, and how it is the love we share that will make it heaven, not the actual place itself. It won't matter who got there first or who's been there the longest. We will just be there together. And maybe that's the thing about being eternal creatures...there is no beginning and no end. Time is one eternal round, and we will have always been together. Forever. I still feel like I can't, in words, express what I felt in my heart that Sunday or what I feel in my heart now. But I never realized how much my heart yearned for this fraction of understanding. It was the greatest miracle of our trip, and one of the greatest miracles of my life. I can never deny that the Lord is aware of me, and that he knows my pain and will teach me and comfort me in His way and in His time...which is always the best way and always the right time.

What a wonderfully sanctifying experience that testimony meeting was. The following two blocks of church were also awesome, and we left with full hearts. Tali and I were grateful that we had made way more meatballs and sauce for meatball subs than we needed, because the Damianos were coming over for dinner! It gave us more time to talk, and gave Tiffany the chance to give Danny and I all the pictures and blue prints she had for us as well as to show us her incredible binder that she has kept all these years. Every receipt, every memo...even (for some reason) Jared's home teaching assignment. There is still a family he home taught that is in our ward now! It was such a great way to end our time in Georgia.

Since coming home, Danny and I have continued to marvel at all that happened on our trip. Tiffany and I are Facebook friends now, and it's fun to continue to watch each other's lives. Who would have thought that the insane idea to drive our kids around the country for two weeks would become one of the most cherished experiences of our lives. I am so grateful for a loving Father in Heaven. I'm so grateful for the way my Savior guides my life. I'm grateful for all who have gone before me, including my amazing son Luke, and for all they teach me and for their influence in my life. Really, I could go on and on. But suffice to to say, my heart is almost bursting for the gratitude I feel for all the many ways my Heavenly Father blesses me. I'm just so, so grateful.