Oh, my sweet boy...Happy Birthday! You would be four years old today. Four years old! Honestly, I can't even imagine what that would look like. Though I'm sure it'd be the cutest thing. :)
My last birthday letter was very cathartic for me. It's interesting how much has changed in the last year, and how much has stayed the same. Last year, as your birthday approached, I was almost overcome with anger. A fierce, deep, bitter anger that you weren't here with us. I think that was the beginning of me realizing just how angry I was. It took me a little longer to realize that I was really very angry with our Heavenly Father. That I felt betrayed by Him, and I felt like I could never trust Him again. It took me the better part of the last year to work through all of that. Most of that work was done during the first sick months of my pregnancy with your little brother. At the beginning of my pregnancy, I received a blessing from your father. He blessed me that I would feel you close, and that you would be there to assist me through the pregnancy. I thought that was such an odd thing to say. How were you going to help me be pregnant?! But as the pregnancy came to a close, I realized that you had been there to assist me. To help me work through those feelings brought about by my grief. To help me find a way to move forward in this life without you here with me. To feel confident that I could love another son and not have it take anything away from you. Thank you, Luke, for always being so patient with me!
I haven't been as worried about this birthday approaching as I was last year's. But that doesn't mean it has been easy. It started with Mother's Day. I didn't anticipate it being a hard day. Honestly, there is so much to distract me with Joey around and with my recovery that I wasn't really thinking much about the day. I was able to make it to Sacrament Meeting, which was really nice. And it was during a musical number, a piano solo...I don't remember the song...when I distinctly felt you near me. It's been so long, I'd almost forgotten what it felt like. And I heard you, in that spirit to spirit way, tell me "Happy Mother's Day, Mom!" The tears fell freely, and I was so grateful for that sweet Mother's Day gift from you. I spent the rest of the afternoon alone at home with Joey, and that's when I cried and cried. I missed you so much! But those moments of emotional catharsis have become sweet to me in a way. So it wasn't too bad. :) Then as your birthday drew closer, I would find myself able to recall in vivid detail the day you were born to me. I think having Joseph so recently, and having him in my arms so often, jogged those memories in a way I haven't experienced yet. I would be rocking him, singing his baby song to him, and all of a sudden my mind was back to when you were in my arms and I would find myself sobbing. There were a couple morning naps with Joey brought on by a crying fit about you. ;)
But our very special moment happened a day or so before your birthday. I can't for the life of me remember all the circumstances, but I know I was alone with Joey. We were sitting on the couch, and I had just finished feeding him. He was up against my chest as I burped him, and for some reason the tears just started. Because I was alone, I could talk to you. I told you how much I missed you, and I could remember with every bit of my senses what it had been like to hold you. Not just the infant you, but the toddler you and every you in between. I could remember your smell and the way your cheek felt against my lips as I would kiss your cute face. I remember your hands, and the way you'd pat my back when you'd give me hug. I could hear your voice in my mind..."Mama!" It was more than I could handle, and I felt like my heart was going to collapse into itself. It's the deepest pain I've ever experienced, and I do not enjoy it. In that moment, I felt you near me again. So I took the opportunity to really talk to you. I asked if you were happy and successful in what you were doing, and I could sense that you were. I was able to tell you that it wasn't surprising to me, that you had always been able to show people the light of Christ by just being you. I told you about your little brother, and how much we all missed you. I felt you comfort me as my mother's heart broke over and over again. And I know it was you, because it was the grown up you. Not my baby boy. I know you're not that baby anymore, but I know you still. It's the most interesting thing, and I wish I could find the words to describe the sensation. I realized again that I have had more real experiences with the spirit world and with spiritual communication since you were born than ever before in my life. I have had experiences surrounding you that I can never deny. Thank you for letting me be your mother, Luke.
In this last year since your third birthday, so much has happened. Your Dad has been called to be the bishop of our ward, I found out I was pregnant and had your little brother. Claire has braces, Sophie has no front teeth, and Johnny has grown a foot. I can't help but often look at our growing family and wonder what it would be like to have you here if things had been different. If you had stayed. But I know that isn't how it was meant to be. I'm happy to say that this birthday I'm much more okay with that than I was last year! :)
I love you, Son. At moments I don't know how I can live since you took a piece of my heart with you when you left. But those are only moments. Whatever part of my heart you took is filled with pride in knowing that you are serving our Savior, Jesus Christ. That you are still changing lives everywhere you go. That you still are, and you're bigger and brighter than ever. Happy Birthday, my sweet boy!
Love,
Mom
But our very special moment happened a day or so before your birthday. I can't for the life of me remember all the circumstances, but I know I was alone with Joey. We were sitting on the couch, and I had just finished feeding him. He was up against my chest as I burped him, and for some reason the tears just started. Because I was alone, I could talk to you. I told you how much I missed you, and I could remember with every bit of my senses what it had been like to hold you. Not just the infant you, but the toddler you and every you in between. I could remember your smell and the way your cheek felt against my lips as I would kiss your cute face. I remember your hands, and the way you'd pat my back when you'd give me hug. I could hear your voice in my mind..."Mama!" It was more than I could handle, and I felt like my heart was going to collapse into itself. It's the deepest pain I've ever experienced, and I do not enjoy it. In that moment, I felt you near me again. So I took the opportunity to really talk to you. I asked if you were happy and successful in what you were doing, and I could sense that you were. I was able to tell you that it wasn't surprising to me, that you had always been able to show people the light of Christ by just being you. I told you about your little brother, and how much we all missed you. I felt you comfort me as my mother's heart broke over and over again. And I know it was you, because it was the grown up you. Not my baby boy. I know you're not that baby anymore, but I know you still. It's the most interesting thing, and I wish I could find the words to describe the sensation. I realized again that I have had more real experiences with the spirit world and with spiritual communication since you were born than ever before in my life. I have had experiences surrounding you that I can never deny. Thank you for letting me be your mother, Luke.
In this last year since your third birthday, so much has happened. Your Dad has been called to be the bishop of our ward, I found out I was pregnant and had your little brother. Claire has braces, Sophie has no front teeth, and Johnny has grown a foot. I can't help but often look at our growing family and wonder what it would be like to have you here if things had been different. If you had stayed. But I know that isn't how it was meant to be. I'm happy to say that this birthday I'm much more okay with that than I was last year! :)
I love you, Son. At moments I don't know how I can live since you took a piece of my heart with you when you left. But those are only moments. Whatever part of my heart you took is filled with pride in knowing that you are serving our Savior, Jesus Christ. That you are still changing lives everywhere you go. That you still are, and you're bigger and brighter than ever. Happy Birthday, my sweet boy!
Love,
Mom
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