Claire's Baptism

Finally Claire's baptism day arrived! I could hardly believe it...my first baby was getting baptized. The very first thing I did was lay out Claire's dress. I picked this dress out for her months ago. I had always planned on taking Claire shopping for her baptism dress, but I passed by this one at Costco one day and I knew it was the one. Luckily, Claire loved it too! :) With Claire's dress laid out, it was time to get started with the day. There was so much to do before the baptism at 3:00 pm!

Lily was on hair duty. This amazing girl has such a talent for doing hair! Whenever we're with her, my girls always look especially cute. And I realized as I was thinking through the baptism itself that I wasn't sure what to do about Claire's hair once it was wet. I always assumed I would blow it dry before taking her back to be confirmed, but without a shower to wash and condition her hair, that wasn't going to work. I talked to Lily about it, she found some options on Pinterest, and she got to work. What would I do without my Lily May?!

Megan and Alyssa...and Megan's significant other Cody, worked on getting pictures in frames for the display table outside the Relief Society Room. Alyssa managed...and for some reason it took both Cody and Megan to put three pictures into frames. I'm sure it had something to do with the fact that they were sitting so close together that they only had one working arm each. ;)

As it would turn out, after all the fun we had ALREADY had, everyone was beat. Most especially me! It was evident by late morning that I wasn't going to make it through the day under my own power. I never do this, but I needed some caffeine! So we availed ourselves of Fizz and everyone got a soda! Mine was a Dr. Pepper flavored with Blueberry Cupcake and Huckleberry Syrup. Sounds funky...but it was oh so delicious! I only got a small, but I spent the rest of the day feeling like my thoughts were running a million miles a second and my heart was beating a bit faster than usual. But that's what I needed to get things done!

It's all a blur now (probably because of my caffeine induced manic episode), but somehow we made it to 3:00 pm with everyone showered and beautiful and ready to go. Claire was supposed to be baptized on the first Saturday in June with the rest of the Stake Primary children turning eight in May. But we were able to get special permission to do our own baptism in Danny's parents' stake since her cousin Braxton was also coming from Texas to be baptized. Claire was very excited to share her special day with Braxton. They are such good friends. 

Claire and Braxton divided up assigning the talks and such for the program. We started out by singing "Baptism", with the opening prayer being given by Susie Call (Braxon's Mom). After that, Tavin (Braxton's little brother) was prepared to recite, from memory, "The Living Christ". He's only six, and nerves got the best of him. So amazingly, his mother stepped in and recited the whole thing from memory. I have never seen something like that at a baptism, but it really brought a neat spirit. It was nice to remember why we're baptized, who's example we're following, and the name we take upon us when baptized. After Aunt Susie finished, Grandma Call gave a talk on baptism. She talked about her baptism, and told Braxton and Claire both how proud she was of them. That she knew that those closest to Braxton and Claire that were beyond the veil were there that day, proud of both them and anxious to participate in their own way. It was a tender talk.

Following Grandma Call, it was Claire's turn to be baptized. I was able to walk Claire over to the side of the font by the women's restroom and stand there as she walked down to meet her Dad in the water. The whole day had been so crazy busy, but in that moment time stopped. I was overcome by emotion as I watched my baby girl, my first baby, step into the waters of baptism and make her first covenant with her Heavenly Father. She looked so beautiful and Danny looked so handsome. I could tell he, like me, was struggling with his emotions. But it was more than just Claire getting baptized. After talking with Danny later, we both recounted feeling so strongly that Luke was there. It was such a precious experience! Danny baptized Claire, with her Papa (Roger Call) and Uncle David Call serving as witnesses. Danny and Claire made it look easy, with the first attempt being successful. Claire gave her Daddy a hug, and then made her way to me...her mess of a mother crying by the bathroom door. I wrapped her in her towel, and we stood together so she could watch her cousin Braxton be baptized. After that, the two of us made our way into the bathroom to get her dressed into her beautiful white baptism dress. I got the chance in the changing room to give her a big hug and tell her how proud I was of her. It was a fantastic experience! Once she was dressed, Lily met us in the bathroom to help me get her hair looking perfect and then the three of us walked back into the Relief Society Room.

During the time that Claire and Braxton were getting changed, some interlude music was played on the piano by Braxton's uncle Wade Roberts. While he was playing, everyone in the room had the opportunity to write their testimony on a card for Claire and Braxton. The program proceeded with a musical number by Natalia Downs (Claire's cousin). She sang "Walk In His Way", and I accompanied. Natalia did a beautiful job, and it was a wonderful way to bring everyone's attention back to the meeting after the interlude portion. 

Next was a talk by another of Braxton's uncles, Lloyd Roberts. He gave a wonderful talk on the Holy Ghost, and explained how having the companionship of the Holy Ghost is a lot like have a really good flashlight when you're hiking at night. The Holy Ghost, like a flashlight, won't remove obstacles in our path...but it will illuminate those obstacles so we can safely navigate around them. 

At that point, it was time for Claire and Braxton to be confirmed. Claire was first to be confirmed, and  that ordinance was again performed by her Dad. Standing in the circle to support her were her Grandpa Roger, Uncle Kenny, Uncle David, Sae Tautu, Bishop Ferguson, and Bishop Strueling. Claire was given the gift of the Holy Ghost, and a beautiful blessing. I asked her afterwards how she felt, and she told me that she felt like Luke was there. :) Again, such a wonderful experience! Braxton was confirmed after Claire, and was followed by some closing remarks from Bishop Ferguson. The closing song was "When I Am Baptized", and the closing prayer was given by Grandma Candy.

After the baptism, things got crazy. And this is where I have a confession to make. I was so busy visiting with everyone (and my everyone, I mostly mean Michael and Sae and his family) that I neglected to take pictures! I will forever hate myself for that. I didn't get a single picture of Claire in her baptism dress, I didn't get a picture with her grandparents, or siblings, or cousins, or anything! I didn't get the big family picture to show everyone who came from near and far to support Claire. ARGH! Definitely one of my biggest regrets. I'm so sorry, Claire...

Anyway, after the baptism we all made our way to the school for dinner. And I mean EVERYONE! That means everyone that was there supporting us, and everyone that was there supporting Braxton! There were a ton of us. :) We were having a potluck, but Danny and I provided the smoked pork. And let it be written that I smoked that pork shoulder like a pro! :) Danny couldn't do it as he was at Fathers and Sons the night before. Anyway, the food was delicious and plentiful, and everyone had a fantastic time. I was able to snag a few pictures right at the very end. We're so glad Megan and Alyssa came! And of course Michael and Sae and his family. Claire really wanted to invite them both, but I wasn't sure if they'd come. But it meant the world to all of us that we did, and we very much enjoyed catching up with them. Especially the time getting to know Ashley and Maeli. Sae got himself quite the family! We love them all so much, and are so grateful they are a part of our family now. And luckily Grandma Candy remembered to get a picture with Claire!

So, I didn't realize until the next morning that I hadn't gotten any of the pictures I had wanted to get. Oh, the crying!! I was beside myself. We were having our Stake Conference that day at the Ogden Tabernacle, which is located on the temple grounds. So Danny, the wonderful husband that he is, suggested that we take the camera to get some pictures of Claire in her dress. It wasn't what I wanted, but it did help me feel a bit better. 

And just like that, my baby girl is baptized! I'm so proud of Claire, and the girls she is. She makes being good look so easy! I am grateful for the gospel, and the ordinances that put us on the path to returning to our Heavenly Father and that keep us with those we love forever. I am grateful to know that it is during times like this that I know Luke is present and aware of our family, sharing in those memories with us. It is a tender mercy for us to know that. Claire Bear, we love you and are so proud of you!!

And in 16 months...it'll be Sophie's turn! 

To My Luke, On Your Birthday...

Oh, my sweet boy.  Happy Birthday!!  

I remember writing last year's birthday letter to you.  You were just in the first weeks of what was an extremely long summer in the hospital.  We knew the cards were stacked against us that we would be able to get you well, but we were up to the fight.  As I wrote your letter, I remember being almost overcome with fear that I wouldn't have you with me for your third birthday.  And here we are...physically apart for your third birthday and every birthday after.  But I hope you're with me.  I hope you're reading this letter over my shoulder, and seeing the tears that fall as I write it.  Tears of the deepest kind of sorrow born of the deepest kind of love.

Son, I have dreaded this day for weeks.  Is that terrible of me?  I promised you last year that I would cherish the day you were born to me forever, and I do!!  But I have found over the months since you passed that I have survived by closing my heart to as much feeling as possible.  I have gotten very good at ignoring the pain and the longing, and just doing what needs to be done in a day.  But there are some times that no matter how I try, I cannot ignore this reality.  Your birthday is one of those days, and I knew weeks ago that it would be.  In my mind, I know where you are and what you are doing.  And I know that all is as it should be, and how it was always meant to be.  And maybe, if I'm as good a person as I hope I am, that knowledge owns a tiny portion of my heart.  But most of my hearts aches beyond description, screaming to me that it isn't right that we only blew out two tiny candles.  And both of those candles were lit in the shadow of your cancer.  There is a dark part of my soul that I can't seem to eradicate that shouts to me that I deserved more.  I brought you into this world to raise you, not to bury you.  I'm angry that the rest of these birthday letters will be devoid of a picture of us together.  I have tried to live my life in such a way that our Heavenly Father would spare me this pain, and I can't help but feel a bit betrayed.

I hope you can forgive me, Luke.  Please forgive me for not living up to your legacy!  I'm having such a hard time smiling through the pain.  I thought I had more faith, more fortitude.  We all did so well not shrinking through the trial of your illness, and even right after your passing.  But I fear that during this intensification period, I am shrinking.  I'm so tired, and it's all so hard.  However, even as I write that (and mean it), I know I won't surrender.  It's harder to feel than it used to be, but I still know my Savior lives and loves me.  I know, somewhere in my soul, that our relationship will continue to grow during this separation.  And I know, because I've seen it before me in the briefest of visions, that you and I will be reunited and I can remember in the smallest way the feeling of intense pride and joy that accompanied that vision of you.  The grown you.  I can almost imagine how handsome you look standing behind me while I write.  You look so much like your Dad. :)

In anticipation of this day, I made it clear to everyone that I wanted to be left alone today.  I barely know how to handle my own feelings, much less deal with everyone else's feeling and their sympathy.  But something happened this morning that I didn't anticipate.  Upon checking Facebook, I was greeted by so many posts from people telling the world that it was your birthday.  Thanking you for how your changed their lives with your smile.  I don't know how everyone remembered...I haven't said anything on social media.  You changed everything when you were born to me, Luke.  The whole world changed.  

The day of your birth is so vivid in my memory today.  More so than the other kids.  I remember the surprise when my water broke three days earlier than your scheduled section.  You were always determined to be your own man. :)  I remember those days in the hospital after you were born, just you, me, and your Daddy.  I will always remember the first time I could walk to the bathroom on my own.  You were sleeping in your Dad's arms on the couch.  There was something profound about that moment for me.  I have always thought it was because it was then that I realized you looked so very much like your Dad.  But remembering that moment today, it seems more important than that.  It's funny...for as much as I feel like I am unable to feel anything because of your death, I know I have had more profound, intense, and obvious communication from the Spirit because of your life.  

I could write forever, Son!  Writing this letter has been one of the most real conversations I've had with you.  I know you can't always be with me.  I know you are doing a great work.  But I hope you are near me as often as you can be.  I hope that you know how much I love you!!  That I am so proud of you!!  That I miss you...I miss your smile, I miss your cheeks, I miss your hands, I miss your smell.  But most of all, I miss your eyes.  Your wise, beautiful, big, brown eyes.  Even as I attempt to draw this letter to a close, I feel us separating again and it breaks my heart.

I love you, Luke! Happy Birthday, my sweet boy!!

Love,

Mom

Claire's Baptism Photography

I have come to terms with something.  I love photography!  I love having pictures of our family, of our life...a way to cement those memories and freeze them in time.  And I have been blessed to become friends with some ladies who have a gift for photography.  

One of these wonderful ladies is Angela Ellsworth.  I first met Angela when I was arranging some family photos for my sister Jami and her family before my niece Megan left for her mission.  I originally asked another friend, but she was unable to do it and recommended Ang.  We instantly became friends when we learned that we each had four children the same ages, and two of them shared names!  Angela came when I asked if she would be willing to spend the afternoon in our home taking pictures of Luke and our family before he passed.  Not only did she come, but she came with the Spirit.  That sweet experience bonded us together forever.  When it came time to do Claire's baptism photography, I asked Angela and she was happy to do it.  I've had this vision in my head since before Claire was born of what I wanted for baptism pictures for my daughters, and Angela was up to the task.  Danny and I were sealed by Elder L. Tom Perry of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles.  Cool, right?!  Well, it turns out that Elder Perry's daughter is the author behind the poem "Three White Dresses".  I knew that poem from my childhood, and to know that we had a family connection to the author made it all that more important to me.  I decided then that I wanted baptism pictures of my girls in their white dresses, with their blessing dresses in the background.  And when they are married, they'll have their baptism and blessing dresses in the background. 

 Claire, being my oldest, was my first chance to see this dream realized.  I never could have imagined how beautiful these pictures would turn out!  As I was finished getting Claire ready to go, I was zipping up her dress and tying her tie.  I started to tear up.  She looked like an angel!  The most beautiful girl I had ever seen.  And it struck me that the next time I would be dressing her in white would be for her wedding.  I love this girl more than words can express, and I both love and hate that she's growing up so fast!

The evening of pictures was beautiful, and the area Ang decided on was perfection.  Between God's handiwork and Angela's artistic vision...and mine and Danny's impeccable genes...well, I don't know that there has ever been more beautiful baptism pictures in the history of ever.  

Sophie and Johnny had only one request...they HAD to get some photobomb pictures! :)

Because of all the rain, the ground was rather soft and in places rather muddy.  Danny, being the wonderful father that he is, carried his princess everywhere she needed to be.  Claire will have high standards for her eternal companion with a father like this.

While we took pictures, Sophie and Johnny occupied themselves.  During one of their adventures, Johnny found a turtle!!  It was laying eggs, and it was the biggest turtle I've ever seen in the wild.  He was pretty proud of himself. :)

I'm so grateful that my beautiful Claire, at the precious age of eight, is frozen in my memory through these pictures.  My beautiful baby girl.